Thursday, 10-22-2008.
I was about to go teach talon some hip hop when my dad called me. It was about 7pm. I knew something was up because he doesn't call me often. He told me that Grandpa wasn't doing too well and that he had pneumonia. He Told me he was going to be in the hospital for 2 or 3 days, then they were going to let him go home so he can either pull out of it there or pass away. After he explained the situation, he told me he loved me and the phone call was over. I didn't know how to feel. It was a lot to take in. Not only the fact that my dad called me with a sincere tone and said he loved me...... but that my grandpa was almost gone.
Friday 10-23-2008
The morning already started off pretty crappy when i almost ran out of gas on my way to work. Then realized i forgot the keys WHEN I GOT TO WORK so i had to borrow Debbies car to go get them from my house.
When i got back to work with the keys my mom called. She told me to get to the hospital as soon as i could as my grandpa wasn't going to last through the day. I got really frustrated because i was already out of gas and wasn't sure i could leave. Yada yada Debbie was amazing and gave me money for gas and helped me on my way.
When i got to the hospital my mom met me in the lobby where she took me back to ICU. There i met my dad and he took me back to see him. He wrapped his arm around me as we walked back to his room. My dad never put his arm around me. His eyes were red and glossy from tears. Grandpa was asleep in the bed, with a machine breathing for him. Grandma was right by his side.. holding his hand. She tried waking him so i could talk to him but he was out of it. Dad told me to say good bye as he and grandma stepped aside. I stepped up to his bedside, and looked at him lying there. I put my hand on his warm bald head, and leaned over to his ear. I whispered, "Hey Gramp. I love you. I just want you to know i'm here and i love you. I'll be seein ya okay?." I then grabbed his hand where he ever so gently squose back. Letting me know he heard.
I went back to the waiting room where i hugged and cried with many family members i haven't seen in so long. After about 20 minutes they called everyone into his room. He was awake but barely audible. We all let him know we were there and that he can finally relax. Just relax. But gramp insisted on going into the kitchen or the couch to visit. "Please, let me just go on the couch" he cried. My uncle and grandma told him to lay back and just sleep.
Everyone in the room was sobbing. My dad included. My brothers. All of these very tough guys just in tears. It was so strange, but beautiful. My grandmother and aunt started to sing Hymns.. my grandma NEVER leaving his side the whole time. I had forgotten how beautiful her voice was. It really struck me hard.
After the room had stopped singing "Till we meet" my grandpa uttered the words, in a very relieved tone... "I'm Home..". We all smiled and cried some more. Grandpa was home. My grandma leaned over and kissed him and started singing... "Happy trails to you.. until we meet again.." Ten minutes later.. he was gone. He had passed away surrounded by his family, comfortable in a warm bed.
"Thanks for the memories" said my grandmother in the warmest, softest voice. She then leaned over and kissed him and whispered in his ear.
There are many details about this day i could never describe on paper. But if there is one thing i can say about it, is that if there were any small doubt in my mind that there was a heaven at all, my grandfathers words "i'm home" smothered those doubts. Of course there really weren't any doubts.. but now everything has been solidifed.
We all remained in the room for a while after his passing.. and we could all feel the joy that was coming from the other side in the rejoicing of my grandfathers return.
"See you soon gramps. I love you. You were and are the perfect example of strength, courage, and integrity. Happy trails gramps.. happy trails."
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Right Now.. 10-20-2008, 11:05pm
I'm sitting at my dining room table. The heater is going. I love it when the heater is on. Its always so cozy and comforting. Like a blanket. The table is a mess, as usual. But i like it. Its used. There are notebooks, papers, artist toys, and candy wrapers. The lighting in my apartment always seems to have a sublte yellow glow to it. It adds to the warm feeling. The stove light is on, which spotlights a ceramic sun that has a wise face. He seems to just chill there watching me make messes as i cook. WHEN i cook.
I actually planned on moving when my lease was up this year. But when the day actually came, i stood in my house... in silence.. and looked around. I couldn't do anything but sigh deeply. I couldn't move yet. My energy had finally settled in and the small apartment with barely any furniture had turned into a cozy home where i lived.... live.
**Jeff is relaxing on my shoulder, and my sister is chatting on the phone accross the table from me. My thoughts are like the streets of New York. Busy but focused. Each thought has a place to go, and its only motivation is getting there. But even with the rushing thoughts and hidden to-do lists... i am content. At ease. Most things are as they should be. And the things that aren't are on there way to being ok. It does make me a little nervous deep down. I'm afraid that now everything is starting to look up, it is going to get ripped away. But some things are inevitable. So no need worrying about it.
I've been artisitcaly ambitious all day. For a few days actually. I wish i had more time to focus on all of my ideas. Hey, no need to rush it right? As long as i can have a creative outlet in some part of the day i should be fine.
I'm excited for this winter/Christmas/birthday. The slow quiet snowy evenings. With sparkling lights. Togetherness. And origional beanies and scarves:o) Its a magic time of year. And this year i am so FULL of a warm spirit i think it might be one of the best Giving Season's of my life.
For now i'll retire to my bed where i will try to calm my ambitious thoughts. Where i will count my billion blessings. Where i will think of friends, family and the love and art i will find in every day i live.
Cozy in my black comforter, with subtle music in the background, premature art projects waiting around me... and the heater on at 75 degrees.... good night neverland<3
I actually planned on moving when my lease was up this year. But when the day actually came, i stood in my house... in silence.. and looked around. I couldn't do anything but sigh deeply. I couldn't move yet. My energy had finally settled in and the small apartment with barely any furniture had turned into a cozy home where i lived.... live.
**Jeff is relaxing on my shoulder, and my sister is chatting on the phone accross the table from me. My thoughts are like the streets of New York. Busy but focused. Each thought has a place to go, and its only motivation is getting there. But even with the rushing thoughts and hidden to-do lists... i am content. At ease. Most things are as they should be. And the things that aren't are on there way to being ok. It does make me a little nervous deep down. I'm afraid that now everything is starting to look up, it is going to get ripped away. But some things are inevitable. So no need worrying about it.
I've been artisitcaly ambitious all day. For a few days actually. I wish i had more time to focus on all of my ideas. Hey, no need to rush it right? As long as i can have a creative outlet in some part of the day i should be fine.
I'm excited for this winter/Christmas/birthday. The slow quiet snowy evenings. With sparkling lights. Togetherness. And origional beanies and scarves:o) Its a magic time of year. And this year i am so FULL of a warm spirit i think it might be one of the best Giving Season's of my life.
For now i'll retire to my bed where i will try to calm my ambitious thoughts. Where i will count my billion blessings. Where i will think of friends, family and the love and art i will find in every day i live.
Cozy in my black comforter, with subtle music in the background, premature art projects waiting around me... and the heater on at 75 degrees.... good night neverland<3
Friday, July 11, 2008
Blue Eyed Lover
I’m falling in love with someone I’ve never met. I’ve flirted, got butterflies over, and kissed someone I’ve never even spoken to. My dreams can be so cruel yet so beautiful. Its been twice now that I’ve dreamt of this certain gorgeous boy who before I was a little jealous of and had slightly harsh feelings for. But these dreams have shown me either a secret version no one knows or one my heart had conceaved because its what it longs for.
People know of this guy. But no one I know actually knows him personally. Its seems so strange to me that I could develope feelings for a stranger. But the way he looks at me.. the way he touches my hand.. and the way I explode with electric happiness when we kiss has built some sort of connection to him. Why? I really have NO clue. I love it and hate it.
I am a huge sucker for cute romantic sublties of flirting. Let me explain my dreams and you’ll know what I fall for and why I have fallen for the dream boy…
Dream 1: I was at a big party slash celebration at a water park and I was sitting behind this waterfall alone just thinking whilst everyone else swam and yelled and had a blast blah blah.. then “blue eyes” swam up to me and said “hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you and say how talented I think you are.. good job” and I was of course flattered and thanked him for this compliment. Then his “groupies” came and sat all around us and were talking to him. But while his buddies were talking he very softly and secretly slipped his hand in mine under the water. A burst of butterflies immediately filled my stomach. Then after a few minutes his friends all left in a rush to get some food, I stayed behind and “blue eyes” stayed with me. We just stared at eachother holding hands.. and slowly he leaned in and gave me a sweet, gentle kiss. End of dream one. Of course when I woke up I was in shock given who it was and how good it felt, and just passed it off as a wishful dream.
Dream 2: We’re all rehearsing for some random production be it movie or play, I’m not sure. And no one is focused and music is playing and in this “show” I’m suppose to be dancing with this girl but she was off talking to her friends so I was just standing there. “Blue Eyes” then came up to me and said in a very cute way with an adorable smile, “I’ll dance with you”. So he and I, while the rest of the cast was chatting and dancing randomly amongst themselves, danced and played around. I then picked up a roled up piece of sliced ham from the snack table ( I know, hidden context but no need to discuss it) and put it in my mouth. “Blue eyes” then said “look its like lady and the tramp haha” and he bit the other end. We were giggling as we chewed to the middle. But when we both actually got to the middle, we could feel the strong energy in eachothers heart and the butterflies went insane. Then at the last bite in the middle, our lips touched. Our eyes closed and we savored each other, each second connecting with each other more and more. The kiss ended and the director yelled for us to get back to work.. and we all did. End of dream two. Wow.
Now the way I felt in both of these dreams was extrodinary! So strong and sincere. Ususally when I dream of something so vivid more than once it means something. Now who the hell knows what it means. But of course I truly hope and wish it means I will actually fall in love with him and he with me or someone just like him. Because with “blue eyes” I’ve never felt so happy… ever. I would give practically ANYTHING to feel that glow and happiness and love in real life. So please god let that dream be showing me the future.
I feel like he is out there. Dreaming of me. Who ever and where ever he may be. He, at the very same moment I am, stares out into the stars thinking of my face… wanting to hold me, wondering where I am. I AM HERE IN PLEASANT GROVE UTAH!!! I am waiting for you… with a strong and willing heart.
You lift my soul and shock my heart with your beautiful blue eyes that match the sharpness of mine. There is no danger or pain in the world when your hand touches mine, or when your arms are around me. When our lips touch nothing else exists in the world but beauty, love and equaltiy. I could dance with you for hours, and I’ll lay with you for eternity. I’m here.. waiting… to give you my love.
People know of this guy. But no one I know actually knows him personally. Its seems so strange to me that I could develope feelings for a stranger. But the way he looks at me.. the way he touches my hand.. and the way I explode with electric happiness when we kiss has built some sort of connection to him. Why? I really have NO clue. I love it and hate it.
I am a huge sucker for cute romantic sublties of flirting. Let me explain my dreams and you’ll know what I fall for and why I have fallen for the dream boy…
Dream 1: I was at a big party slash celebration at a water park and I was sitting behind this waterfall alone just thinking whilst everyone else swam and yelled and had a blast blah blah.. then “blue eyes” swam up to me and said “hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you and say how talented I think you are.. good job” and I was of course flattered and thanked him for this compliment. Then his “groupies” came and sat all around us and were talking to him. But while his buddies were talking he very softly and secretly slipped his hand in mine under the water. A burst of butterflies immediately filled my stomach. Then after a few minutes his friends all left in a rush to get some food, I stayed behind and “blue eyes” stayed with me. We just stared at eachother holding hands.. and slowly he leaned in and gave me a sweet, gentle kiss. End of dream one. Of course when I woke up I was in shock given who it was and how good it felt, and just passed it off as a wishful dream.
Dream 2: We’re all rehearsing for some random production be it movie or play, I’m not sure. And no one is focused and music is playing and in this “show” I’m suppose to be dancing with this girl but she was off talking to her friends so I was just standing there. “Blue Eyes” then came up to me and said in a very cute way with an adorable smile, “I’ll dance with you”. So he and I, while the rest of the cast was chatting and dancing randomly amongst themselves, danced and played around. I then picked up a roled up piece of sliced ham from the snack table ( I know, hidden context but no need to discuss it) and put it in my mouth. “Blue eyes” then said “look its like lady and the tramp haha” and he bit the other end. We were giggling as we chewed to the middle. But when we both actually got to the middle, we could feel the strong energy in eachothers heart and the butterflies went insane. Then at the last bite in the middle, our lips touched. Our eyes closed and we savored each other, each second connecting with each other more and more. The kiss ended and the director yelled for us to get back to work.. and we all did. End of dream two. Wow.
Now the way I felt in both of these dreams was extrodinary! So strong and sincere. Ususally when I dream of something so vivid more than once it means something. Now who the hell knows what it means. But of course I truly hope and wish it means I will actually fall in love with him and he with me or someone just like him. Because with “blue eyes” I’ve never felt so happy… ever. I would give practically ANYTHING to feel that glow and happiness and love in real life. So please god let that dream be showing me the future.
I feel like he is out there. Dreaming of me. Who ever and where ever he may be. He, at the very same moment I am, stares out into the stars thinking of my face… wanting to hold me, wondering where I am. I AM HERE IN PLEASANT GROVE UTAH!!! I am waiting for you… with a strong and willing heart.
You lift my soul and shock my heart with your beautiful blue eyes that match the sharpness of mine. There is no danger or pain in the world when your hand touches mine, or when your arms are around me. When our lips touch nothing else exists in the world but beauty, love and equaltiy. I could dance with you for hours, and I’ll lay with you for eternity. I’m here.. waiting… to give you my love.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Louder and Louder
My ambitions seem to be getting louder and louder. They are screaming in my ear and in my center. I don't know how to let them out. Well in some ways i know how to let them out but am unable to due to certain circumstances in my life.
I wish i could share my view of the world.. with the world. I want to take my friends to my Neverland.. only a few have been able to fly there with me. Of course my Tinkerbell (ness), and i might have found a Wendy! She seems very adventurous. Very ambitious and excited about the small beauties in life... perfect.
I don't know if i've mentioned this but i AM peter pan. Now i don't mean i like the character and pretend i'm peter pan... i AM peter pan. My imagination is my world.. i view the world quite differently than most. Everyday is an adventure. And my friend Janessa is really this fiesty girl who is my little adventure sidkick and she always just comes along with me no matter the danger... she understands my spontaneous insanity. And my Wendy?.. well i shan't go into detail as we must see who she really is first.
I wish more people would let me take them on adventures. Come on people just let your fears and insecurities go... listen to your heart and dreams and just LIVE!!! ugh.
Anyway... this blog doesn't make too much sense but i felt like i needed to write that today....
I wish i could share my view of the world.. with the world. I want to take my friends to my Neverland.. only a few have been able to fly there with me. Of course my Tinkerbell (ness), and i might have found a Wendy! She seems very adventurous. Very ambitious and excited about the small beauties in life... perfect.
I don't know if i've mentioned this but i AM peter pan. Now i don't mean i like the character and pretend i'm peter pan... i AM peter pan. My imagination is my world.. i view the world quite differently than most. Everyday is an adventure. And my friend Janessa is really this fiesty girl who is my little adventure sidkick and she always just comes along with me no matter the danger... she understands my spontaneous insanity. And my Wendy?.. well i shan't go into detail as we must see who she really is first.
I wish more people would let me take them on adventures. Come on people just let your fears and insecurities go... listen to your heart and dreams and just LIVE!!! ugh.
Anyway... this blog doesn't make too much sense but i felt like i needed to write that today....
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
cutting away my past
So. Look at me. I finally went out and got a good computer and starting back into my blog. I'm excited.
And being so excited i'm going to dive right in...
A TON of things have happened already this year. Its only half over... slash ALREADY half over.
I can't even begin to tell you everything that has happened or what i have felt. But i can tell you what is going on now.
I feel very stuck. Lost. Like i'm staring at a blank canvas waiting to paint a masterpiece. But all i'm doing is staring at it. I can't find my paint.. or my brushes. All i have is this beautiful bright. white canvas just waiting. My struggle is finding the materials to create such a painting.
Also, i feel like a piece of me is wondering somewhere, aimlessly. I don't know what is missing but i really don't feel 100% complete. I can't identify if its someONE or someTHING. Whatever this missing piece is, FIND ME!!!
Speaking of finding someONE, why is it so hard? If i were a "normal" slutty homo i wouldn't have trouble finding meaningless boyfriends to doodle and call it good. But since i am a human i need to find someone to go on adventures with me. Fly with me. Paint, write, laugh, eat taco amigo with. Why Taco Amigo? WHY NOT?!
I just want a decent guy who will sleep with me (literally sleep) and protect me at night... and vise versa. Someone who will make my mom laugh as much as he makes me laugh. Who will call my me just to say he saw this lady in the mall who is just like someone we know...
and he'll get butterflies everytime i text him. He'll randomly buy me my favorite crackers cuz he knows i like them and he knew i'd appreciate it.
someone who will call me crying cuz he'll know that i'll leave and come get him... and vise versa.. (no clue what the spelling is on that btw).
He'll think my unexplainable neverland adventures are adorable although he may not always see what i do.
I could go on for hundreds of pages.. but i'll refrain.. you get the idea.
Where is that guy who will kiss me... kiss me cuz the butterflies scream at him to do it.. and then they get bigger when he does.
WHERE ARE YOU?! So far i've only met the opposite of you. Granted i've only been looking for a couple months.. even so not really LOOKING.. just waiting haha. Anyway i need a real guy who loves himself and me. AND... viseversa
One last thing. I sometimes go through this phase where i'll need a random quick change of pace to keep me sane and to dicipline my fear of change itself. Its usually a job i change or something to do with my appearance. My point? I am thinking about cutting my long hair to throw me into a new groove. Also get rid of my "past" hair. It kinda explains itself.
Well. There is change around everycorner and opportunities in every window. I just need to buck up and attack it all with full force... WHO'S WITH ME?!!
And being so excited i'm going to dive right in...
A TON of things have happened already this year. Its only half over... slash ALREADY half over.
I can't even begin to tell you everything that has happened or what i have felt. But i can tell you what is going on now.
I feel very stuck. Lost. Like i'm staring at a blank canvas waiting to paint a masterpiece. But all i'm doing is staring at it. I can't find my paint.. or my brushes. All i have is this beautiful bright. white canvas just waiting. My struggle is finding the materials to create such a painting.
Also, i feel like a piece of me is wondering somewhere, aimlessly. I don't know what is missing but i really don't feel 100% complete. I can't identify if its someONE or someTHING. Whatever this missing piece is, FIND ME!!!
Speaking of finding someONE, why is it so hard? If i were a "normal" slutty homo i wouldn't have trouble finding meaningless boyfriends to doodle and call it good. But since i am a human i need to find someone to go on adventures with me. Fly with me. Paint, write, laugh, eat taco amigo with. Why Taco Amigo? WHY NOT?!
I just want a decent guy who will sleep with me (literally sleep) and protect me at night... and vise versa. Someone who will make my mom laugh as much as he makes me laugh. Who will call my me just to say he saw this lady in the mall who is just like someone we know...
and he'll get butterflies everytime i text him. He'll randomly buy me my favorite crackers cuz he knows i like them and he knew i'd appreciate it.
someone who will call me crying cuz he'll know that i'll leave and come get him... and vise versa.. (no clue what the spelling is on that btw).
He'll think my unexplainable neverland adventures are adorable although he may not always see what i do.
I could go on for hundreds of pages.. but i'll refrain.. you get the idea.
Where is that guy who will kiss me... kiss me cuz the butterflies scream at him to do it.. and then they get bigger when he does.
WHERE ARE YOU?! So far i've only met the opposite of you. Granted i've only been looking for a couple months.. even so not really LOOKING.. just waiting haha. Anyway i need a real guy who loves himself and me. AND... viseversa
One last thing. I sometimes go through this phase where i'll need a random quick change of pace to keep me sane and to dicipline my fear of change itself. Its usually a job i change or something to do with my appearance. My point? I am thinking about cutting my long hair to throw me into a new groove. Also get rid of my "past" hair. It kinda explains itself.
Well. There is change around everycorner and opportunities in every window. I just need to buck up and attack it all with full force... WHO'S WITH ME?!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Lets get real....
life is too short lately. Things have happened where i realize this all to much. That we should all get over the past and focus on living today and accepting people and just trying to all pull together so we can make this life the least lonely as possible.
And all the while.. as i sit here realizing these things... i find it hard to move on from one thing.... one person really. Its so weird. Everyone says i'm better off with out this person and that i seem much happier. But they don't know. And who are we to say life is better WITHOUT someone? Really? Life is better without friends or enemies or comedians or fishermen? Okay so that last sentence doesn't make sense. But why must we all waste time hating and being mad and holding grudges? Think of the other things we could be doing! Going and playing up the canyon.. randomly dressing up and making videos.. making collages... finding great books at borders and discussing them.......... instead we seclude ourselves and stew over things that are long gone and learned from.
Of course i need to be taking my own advice here... but at least i'm admitting to it haha.
I love you all. I apologize for not making it evident.
Thank you for everything.
And all the while.. as i sit here realizing these things... i find it hard to move on from one thing.... one person really. Its so weird. Everyone says i'm better off with out this person and that i seem much happier. But they don't know. And who are we to say life is better WITHOUT someone? Really? Life is better without friends or enemies or comedians or fishermen? Okay so that last sentence doesn't make sense. But why must we all waste time hating and being mad and holding grudges? Think of the other things we could be doing! Going and playing up the canyon.. randomly dressing up and making videos.. making collages... finding great books at borders and discussing them.......... instead we seclude ourselves and stew over things that are long gone and learned from.
Of course i need to be taking my own advice here... but at least i'm admitting to it haha.
I love you all. I apologize for not making it evident.
Thank you for everything.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Epoh
Well... What in the world is going on?.. My life seems to be stuck in some vortex or something. Things are so strange. I'm almost numb, but i can still hurt. Everything seems so blurry. I use to know how to handle anything and approach things head on! Lately though, i'm lost. Just stumped and blank. There are barely any words for me to explain. I wish i COULD explain it- that would help me figure it out more.I do have complete faith and trust in God. I know he knows what he is doing and what is happening now is suppose to... but i still have never felt so confused by it! My head is tilted and one eyebrow i raised because ya got me as to what my life is doing. Its... So... FRUSTRATING!! *deep sigh*This year i had a pretty good idea as to what might happen and where i might go.... but so far its the strangest thing... i'm SOOOOO thrown through a loop. What the hell haha. I never know whether to cry or laugh or stare off into space. But i suppose that could be the definition of life.
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