Blue Eyed Lover

I’m falling in love with someone I’ve never met. I’ve flirted, got butterflies over, and kissed someone I’ve never even spoken to. My dreams can be so cruel yet so beautiful. Its been twice now that I’ve dreamt of this certain gorgeous boy who before I was a little jealous of and had slightly harsh feelings for. But these dreams have shown me either a secret version no one knows or one my heart had conceaved because its what it longs for.
People know of this guy. But no one I know actually knows him personally. Its seems so strange to me that I could develope feelings for a stranger. But the way he looks at me.. the way he touches my hand.. and the way I explode with electric happiness when we kiss has built some sort of connection to him. Why? I really have NO clue. I love it and hate it.
I am a huge sucker for cute romantic sublties of flirting. Let me explain my dreams and you’ll know what I fall for and why I have fallen for the dream boy…
Dream 1: I was at a big party slash celebration at a water park and I was sitting behind this waterfall alone just thinking whilst everyone else swam and yelled and had a blast blah blah.. then “blue eyes” swam up to me and said “hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you and say how talented I think you are.. good job” and I was of course flattered and thanked him for this compliment. Then his “groupies” came and sat all around us and were talking to him. But while his buddies were talking he very softly and secretly slipped his hand in mine under the water. A burst of butterflies immediately filled my stomach. Then after a few minutes his friends all left in a rush to get some food, I stayed behind and “blue eyes” stayed with me. We just stared at eachother holding hands.. and slowly he leaned in and gave me a sweet, gentle kiss. End of dream one. Of course when I woke up I was in shock given who it was and how good it felt, and just passed it off as a wishful dream.
Dream 2: We’re all rehearsing for some random production be it movie or play, I’m not sure. And no one is focused and music is playing and in this “show” I’m suppose to be dancing with this girl but she was off talking to her friends so I was just standing there. “Blue Eyes” then came up to me and said in a very cute way with an adorable smile, “I’ll dance with you”. So he and I, while the rest of the cast was chatting and dancing randomly amongst themselves, danced and played around. I then picked up a roled up piece of sliced ham from the snack table ( I know, hidden context but no need to discuss it) and put it in my mouth. “Blue eyes” then said “look its like lady and the tramp haha” and he bit the other end. We were giggling as we chewed to the middle. But when we both actually got to the middle, we could feel the strong energy in eachothers heart and the butterflies went insane. Then at the last bite in the middle, our lips touched. Our eyes closed and we savored each other, each second connecting with each other more and more. The kiss ended and the director yelled for us to get back to work.. and we all did. End of dream two. Wow.
Now the way I felt in both of these dreams was extrodinary! So strong and sincere. Ususally when I dream of something so vivid more than once it means something. Now who the hell knows what it means. But of course I truly hope and wish it means I will actually fall in love with him and he with me or someone just like him. Because with “blue eyes” I’ve never felt so happy… ever. I would give practically ANYTHING to feel that glow and happiness and love in real life. So please god let that dream be showing me the future.
I feel like he is out there. Dreaming of me. Who ever and where ever he may be. He, at the very same moment I am, stares out into the stars thinking of my face… wanting to hold me, wondering where I am. I AM HERE IN PLEASANT GROVE UTAH!!! I am waiting for you… with a strong and willing heart.

You lift my soul and shock my heart with your beautiful blue eyes that match the sharpness of mine. There is no danger or pain in the world when your hand touches mine, or when your arms are around me. When our lips touch nothing else exists in the world but beauty, love and equaltiy. I could dance with you for hours, and I’ll lay with you for eternity. I’m here.. waiting… to give you my love.

Louder and Louder

My ambitions seem to be getting louder and louder. They are screaming in my ear and in my center. I don't know how to let them out. Well in some ways i know how to let them out but am unable to due to certain circumstances in my life.
I wish i could share my view of the world.. with the world. I want to take my friends to my Neverland.. only a few have been able to fly there with me. Of course my Tinkerbell (ness), and i might have found a Wendy! She seems very adventurous. Very ambitious and excited about the small beauties in life... perfect.
I don't know if i've mentioned this but i AM peter pan. Now i don't mean i like the character and pretend i'm peter pan... i AM peter pan. My imagination is my world.. i view the world quite differently than most. Everyday is an adventure. And my friend Janessa is really this fiesty girl who is my little adventure sidkick and she always just comes along with me no matter the danger... she understands my spontaneous insanity. And my Wendy?.. well i shan't go into detail as we must see who she really is first.
I wish more people would let me take them on adventures. Come on people just let your fears and insecurities go... listen to your heart and dreams and just LIVE!!! ugh.
Anyway... this blog doesn't make too much sense but i felt like i needed to write that today....

cutting away my past

So. Look at me. I finally went out and got a good computer and starting back into my blog. I'm excited.
And being so excited i'm going to dive right in...
A TON of things have happened already this year. Its only half over... slash ALREADY half over.
I can't even begin to tell you everything that has happened or what i have felt. But i can tell you what is going on now.
I feel very stuck. Lost. Like i'm staring at a blank canvas waiting to paint a masterpiece. But all i'm doing is staring at it. I can't find my paint.. or my brushes. All i have is this beautiful bright. white canvas just waiting. My struggle is finding the materials to create such a painting.
Also, i feel like a piece of me is wondering somewhere, aimlessly. I don't know what is missing but i really don't feel 100% complete. I can't identify if its someONE or someTHING. Whatever this missing piece is, FIND ME!!!
Speaking of finding someONE, why is it so hard? If i were a "normal" slutty homo i wouldn't have trouble finding meaningless boyfriends to doodle and call it good. But since i am a human i need to find someone to go on adventures with me. Fly with me. Paint, write, laugh, eat taco amigo with. Why Taco Amigo? WHY NOT?!
I just want a decent guy who will sleep with me (literally sleep) and protect me at night... and vise versa. Someone who will make my mom laugh as much as he makes me laugh. Who will call my me just to say he saw this lady in the mall who is just like someone we know...
and he'll get butterflies everytime i text him. He'll randomly buy me my favorite crackers cuz he knows i like them and he knew i'd appreciate it.
someone who will call me crying cuz he'll know that i'll leave and come get him... and vise versa.. (no clue what the spelling is on that btw).
He'll think my unexplainable neverland adventures are adorable although he may not always see what i do.
I could go on for hundreds of pages.. but i'll refrain.. you get the idea.
Where is that guy who will kiss me... kiss me cuz the butterflies scream at him to do it.. and then they get bigger when he does.
WHERE ARE YOU?! So far i've only met the opposite of you. Granted i've only been looking for a couple months.. even so not really LOOKING.. just waiting haha. Anyway i need a real guy who loves himself and me. AND... viseversa


One last thing. I sometimes go through this phase where i'll need a random quick change of pace to keep me sane and to dicipline my fear of change itself. Its usually a job i change or something to do with my appearance. My point? I am thinking about cutting my long hair to throw me into a new groove. Also get rid of my "past" hair. It kinda explains itself.

Well. There is change around everycorner and opportunities in every window. I just need to buck up and attack it all with full force... WHO'S WITH ME?!!

Lets get real....

life is too short lately. Things have happened where i realize this all to much. That we should all get over the past and focus on living today and accepting people and just trying to all pull together so we can make this life the least lonely as possible.

And all the while.. as i sit here realizing these things... i find it hard to move on from one thing.... one person really. Its so weird. Everyone says i'm better off with out this person and that i seem much happier. But they don't know. And who are we to say life is better WITHOUT someone? Really? Life is better without friends or enemies or comedians or fishermen? Okay so that last sentence doesn't make sense. But why must we all waste time hating and being mad and holding grudges? Think of the other things we could be doing! Going and playing up the canyon.. randomly dressing up and making videos.. making collages... finding great books at borders and discussing them.......... instead we seclude ourselves and stew over things that are long gone and learned from.

Of course i need to be taking my own advice here... but at least i'm admitting to it haha.
I love you all. I apologize for not making it evident.
Thank you for everything.

Epoh

Well... What in the world is going on?.. My life seems to be stuck in some vortex or something.  Things are so strange.  I'm almost numb, but i can still hurt.  Everything seems so blurry.  I use to know how to handle anything and approach things head on!  Lately though, i'm lost.  Just stumped and blank.  There are barely any words for me to explain.  I wish i COULD explain it- that would help me figure it out more.I do have complete faith and trust in God.  I know he knows what he is doing and what is happening now is suppose to... but i still have never felt so confused by it!  My head is tilted and one eyebrow i raised because ya got me as to what my life is doing.  Its... So... FRUSTRATING!! *deep sigh*This year i had a pretty good idea as to what might happen and where i might go.... but so far its the strangest thing... i'm SOOOOO thrown through a loop.  What the hell haha.  I never know whether to cry or laugh or stare off into space.  But i suppose that could be the definition of life.

Last time...

I know I won't shut up about it. I know I keep going on and on and won't stop talking about it. Well it stops after this. I had my last realization last night and I've finally moved on.
*You guys won't let me forget will you? You don't want me to forgive myself. Well too late I already did. YES I made a mistake! I'M HUMAN!!!... I'm not stupid.. anymore. I get that it was a big mistake and that it shouldn't have happened. But guess what it did and its over and done. I have definitely learned from it. But you seem to keep making me carry this like I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm not going to. I have learned from it immensely and I know you have too. I'm moving on.
I really wanted to work through things with you. I realized my mistake and wanted so bad to show you what I learned and to earn and work towards being with you. That's what you do when you love each other. But the more I thought about THAT. And the more I saw you being happier without me and you seeming so harsh. I realized maybe you never loved me as much as either of us thought. Don't get me wrong- I know you loved me a lot, as I did/do you. But I think you were just afraid of being alone. And now that you know you aren't alone without screwed up little me you realize how much better off you actually are. You see that you were with me for so long because it was safe.
My brother had a similar situation. He and this girl have been together for almost the same amount of time we were and they are really committed and cute and they love each other. But there was a rough patch and yada yada my brother was having a hard time in life, he got drunk, and slept with another girl. He hated himself for doing it and the girl broke up with him. A couple days past, and they talked. They talked and talked and worked things out because they LOVE each other and they really wanted it to work at it. Like you always say relationships need to be worked through and there needs to be room for growth, learning and compromise!
I couldn't understand why we couldn't work through it and show each other our love more now than ever. I really wanted to do that for you; Show you how much I found I truly deeply love you. It hurt me in many ways that you didn't want to try. But now I understand. You never loved me as much as you thought or wanted. Which I really understand as well. Its sad but I think that's it.
I understand that I hurt you and something like this isn't easy to get over. But I need you to understand that this mistake doesn't define me. It makes me a better person and a better boyfriend and companion.
I know I seem like a screwed up individual and one to be shut off and never learn.. maybe because I was. But now? You have no idea. I am so different. I am better!.. Sadly you won't know that. You won't see who I've become.
I do love you with all that I am. You will always be stitched to my heart. But you know that you don't love me as you did. I appreciate everything you have done for me. And the only reason I have grown is because of you.. for you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times!!.. You are amazing and beautiful. Maybe one day in the future when we are wiser and more mature. When we are past all this and stronger people for it. Perhaps we may love each other again. I wish we could talk about everything right now.. get it all out. But I understand your feelings towards me and I'm sorry for that. Just always know I'm here and loving you.
***I've successfully rambled on yet again to someone who may never read this... sigh.

[Everything Is Fine]

I have had a revelation I think. As if there were a sudden change of light on my life. There I was questioning everything in my life. Questioning my job, my living arrangements, my future, my family, my friends. Out of all of it I was questioning myself. I was constantly debating what kind of person I thought I was. After all of the recent events that out of no where bombarded my life, I was forced into this whirlpool of confusion. I seemed to constantly be second guessing the structure of my being. It was scary. I was always wondering if I was in fact a good person. Did people care what happened to me? Was I thought about when I wasn't there? Am I considered a good friend to people? Are others grateful they met me? None of it seemed to fit to me. I couldn't see how anyone really actually wondered what I was doing. Or thought about me and laughed and said to themselves "what a great guy.." I felt so damn alone I just wanted to run away to see if anyone at all would wonder where I went or even noticed I was missing.
With all of the questioning and second guessing, there was also the thought of "is he happy?" That I believe was actually the louder thought. I hate the image of him crying, or having harsh feelings towards me. What I want more than my own happiness is for him to be happy and live strong. I don't want HIM to second guess himself for even a second. If what I did and what happened is making myself question things and wonder.. what is it doing to him. Of course he is much stronger than I am, he always has been. I know inside that he knows who he is and he never has and never will sell himself short. But that leads back to the way I've been feeling.
I was scared that I would have to settle in life. Settle with a dead end job, with living alone. Facing the fact that I might be alone for longer than I think. I was constantly scared that I would have to settle with someone who I don't nessecarily love but they show me attention. The list would go on and on and I would just scream telling it all to shut up! I couldn't see an opening to the tunnel.. it was a loud dead end and I couldn't break through.
When all seemed hopeless and I had practically numbed myself from feeling. When I had shut out the human emotion that what I had forgotten was natural. There was a knock at my inner door. It was my best friend. The one who has always been there. The one who I always turn to for advice and guidance, and the one that seemed to be telling me "leave a message". He had returned my calls. He stayed for hours. We talked about everything. He helped me open my eyes and heart even more and calmed me down.
My revelation is this: That I AM a good person. This whole time I was in shock and disgust at the mistakes I've made and that I hurt the one I loved. That I am a selfish and empty person. But my best friend let me know otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes. The things I did were not the best, that's true. And although my intentions behind them were cloudy and unclear, they were not bad intentions they were simply just executed badly. I had to evaluate my steps.
In short I guess, what I have realized is that my heart is true. It may get confused sometimes but whose heart doesn't? That this whole time I have been beating myself up for what happened when really I needed to just learn from it. It was a lesson not a punishment. I tried really hard to be careful with my actions and tried to figure out my thoughts and emotions. It didn't do much good as I still hurt myself and the one I loved. I still can't pin point where it went horribly wrong or where I got so lost, but at least I have grown immensely from it.
I also would try my hardest not to think of what i lost. It would hurt too much. I was constantly telling myself "get over it!!". I thought i just had to move on. But now, i see i don't have to!.. I still love him. I will always love him. I don't know how he feels right now or what is going through his mind. I do know that he is so dear to me that i don't have to let go immediately, or ever for that matter. He is the one and only person, i believe, that loved me 100%- flaws and all. And i loved/love him 100% flaws and all. Although a huge beautiful chapter of my life and the story of us is over, i refuse to let it go. Maybe in the future we can again share our lives with eachother, and maybe not. I just have to accept that i can't ignore the greatness he is, the beauty we were and are, and what our lives have in store. No more crying. No more beating myself up.
The thoughts and frustrations of people not seeking me out or liking me have been silenced. They are still there of course but they are maintained. Talking to the one who has always loved me and loved talking to me showed me that again. That I am a good person. That my heart and intentions mean well. That all I want in this world is to make a difference for the better and to be remembered and thought of as a funny guy who loved and lived his life. And I will do so. For those of you who see me for that I want you to know I see you for who you really are inside too. And I love you all. I love that we can all share experiences together and we can all love and laugh and learn. I love that my craziness is looked at as a good thing, because it is:o).
When I try to talk about things such as life and passion and truth, I seem to ramble and jumble my thoughts. I don't know if this blog has made any sense but if even if it hasn't I find comfort in the fact that at least one "person", my best friend, knows who I am as much as I do if not more. I am eternally grateful for what he has done and we will always be close.
Blah blah blah blah blah... I think I need to stop before I make this anymore confusing.
... I know its said a lot and painted in numerous Mormon homes and stitched on t-shirts and hanging on doors... but Live, Laugh, Love... and learn... don't take anything for granted.