attraversiamo

My new favorite place in the house is the corner of the kitchen, tucked away at the back of the table, a mini office space for my creative antics.
Its right here, with the music in front of me.. to my right- a mug full of instant coffee, a Nikon, lighter and pencil.. To my left- an altered water bottle, neon green card, and a bowl with soup remnants.. where I see with sound, I smell with colors, and I write with dreams.
I love the way artists can take any chunk of space and create a universe. Whether its through composing, sculpting, blogging, dancing, painting, film etc. or if its finding any empty area and making it their studio, we will always find a way to create. Discovering new worlds and then finding different ways of living them.
Sometimes I sit being able to do nothing but stare, as I get SO overwhelmed with ideas and dreams, and things I want to and can create that I become paralyzed with inspiration. Even now, as I struggle to type my thoughts. I think this is what some might say being a "Tortured Artist" is about. Having so much to express, to emote, to share with the life around you- and not being able to find the matching outlet.
There has been a lot of happenings in my life this year. Many significant things that I haven't been able to place. Recently, though, I have had the last pieces present themselves to me. And for the first time ever in my life I feel this strong sense of inner peace. I have felt a sort of inner contentment in the past when I've had breakthroughs or learned certain lessons, but this time its so much deeper. The peace beats inside my souls heart along with my physical one.
The last couple of months have happened so quickly and its during that time that I've had all of my eye openers. It all started with the passing of my cousin Josh. Since the very second I heard he had passed away I felt a complete change within myself. I knew immediately I would never be the same, in so many different ways.
I wish I could fully articulate to you, through written word, the amazing things I have learned and seen and felt during this years journey, which I know Josh has had a consistent part in. Last night, so many pictures came together and my whole self.. heart, mind, body, spirit, energy... my entire being opened up and found its true worth in everything I've always known. The difference is I am now allowing myself to see the endless picture of it all and the impact that myself and others have on it.
I sat, last night, in the parking lot of the what use to be nothing but dull apartment complex, and stared off into the energetic abyss of night time absorbing all of this profound realization I am overwhelmed with gratitude to have had.
Out of all the times where I thought I had found purpose, out of all of the silly little lessons learned which have ultimately brought me to this point, I feel and know now that this is officially the beginning of the rest of, what some call life, but what I like to call...
My Adventure.

H@ppy Sm*ke.

2:43pm...I am staring at two cans of Campbell's Select Harvest Soups (Garden recipes).
One is Tomato Garden, which of course has a full serving of delicious vegetables and fun swirly chewy noodles. ... I like swirly.
The other is Creamy Potato with Roasted Garlic. Need I say more. I like potato.
For some reason or another I chose the Tomato Garden. I think its because it matches the word "Lunch".
Good word, L-U-N-C-H... lunch.
Veggies and swirlies seem to fit a splendid afternoon such as this.
Its settled.
Veggie Swirly for LLLLUNCH.. and Creamy Potato with Roasted Garlic will be for second lunch.
2:49pm... this soup is even better than the label had me dreaming about. I am "mmm"ing allowed every bite. ...>slurp<.. MMMMM!!
2:52pm... (says allowed) "This is fantAAAAAAstic!"
2:54pm.... *scraaaape drip drip.. slurp. scraaaaape drip drip... slurp.*
3:00pm...That soup was excellent and I couldn't be more satisfied. Well until I make some of this Chai Tea my adorable eccentric neighbor gave me! I opened the box and a stunning flutter of aroma-butterflies tickled my smile. This is quite a splendid Monday afternoon!
I need to make this tea but there are too many windows open on my computer.
they are all just staring at me.
waiting to be remembered. Too much.. must close.
3:11pm... three eleven eh? That makes me think of my little bro. He like 311 like i like.. well all music.
I need music now!!! WHY have I been eating and writing in silence.
... okay pandora is up at 3:16pm and its time for another hit and its CHAI TIME!
3:22pm... I'm annoyed with the time thing. I'm ditching it. BUT the music was the missing crayon from the box. And I still haven't left the chair to make the tea. getting up in 3..2.. oh I gotta message.
oh my gawd i found LEGGOS in my pocket!!! I found them in the road earlier.
I need more LEGGOS.
*dear Friut Bats, Thank you for contributing to my day:) You too Phoenix!
Holy sh*t I thought I just deleted all my work and I panicked and almost pooped. But then it was saved in drafts. Phew. Excuse me a minute.
***this changed my life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5B8qMamdt8
There is so much great music in the world. Its a limitless language. The world will never be without music. Its made in everything. Always created.
^note to self: have an "I Adore PandOra" segment.^

l'inizio

I stand in the ashes of old lives. Some of others, most of my own.
Seeing around me the rubble of struggles and fears that no longer pertain to me.
I am new. I am fresh. I am the crisp white pages of a new chapter.
There is a raw atmosphere. Fragile.
I stare at the future, and its like the first long snow in the winter.
No footprints.
No paths.
Just endless possibilities waiting to be engaged.
I start this new life with an eager eye and open heart.
Ready for the discoveries I am ecstatic to discover.

hot tottie.

My cheeks are cold from a seven block brisk walk. They slowly warm up as i sip the warm soothing citrus tottie.
Its another contemplative day... clouds napping in the sky.
All the bright clothes are fading into grays and soft yellows.
The cities usual rush has simmered into a slight hum as people relax taking in the change of season.
My theme today is blue.
Blue v-neck.
Blue sweater.
Blue hat and scarf.
Blue eyes.
Not to portray any sort of mood but i like the brightness and contrast to the day.
There is a lingering muse in the air. Not pressuring or limited. It just floats around waiting to be called upon.
I think it is most prominent this week.

10-20-2010

The air feels like my clothes... soft.. part of my body.
The light is as gentle as the air.
I could sleep in this atmosphere.
Nothing is stirring. Nothing draws near.
Its a slow, calm, perfect dusk.
This is what heaven whispers...
..contentment in a sensual world.

Sages

The sun is beaming in through the big windows shedding brilliant light through the room.
Everyone is in their daily zone tending to their thoughts.
As for myself i am at a strange contentment with new light beaming into my own world.
I live in a new world.
A world where i may be able to live the rest of my life.

October.

The breeze dances in across the porch matching the soft fluidity of the music playing to my right.
The warm colors of life bask in the glowing sun, all blending together in its own quiet symphony.
If the rest of my days emulate one such as this, I find contentment in knowing the natural love in the air shall comfort my heart.

Salt Lake City

Boy oh boy. My life just gets too crazy and doesn't want me to blog. Ah well. clearly it only needs to happen once a year or so.
Since i was last on here... I moved back to Utah for family purposes. I went back to my usual working and performing and stressing over family life style. After a year of that and getting wore out.. I ditched it all and moved up to Salt Lake. I am very happy now.
I have been able to step back and take time for me again. I've been able to dive back into art. My spirituality. My friendships. And adventuring. I live with Megan again and we are learning a lot together and trying to make the most out of our days.
Today we went to breakfast and coffee and laughed and played as we usually do. We then relaxed for a bit trying to write songs while enjoying the smell of the heater going and watching the snow. Megan is at work now (lame) and I am listening to holiday music, about read more of a great book that this fascinating boy let me borrow. I am also going to be hanging out with this boy later today. So all in all today is one of the more calm but no less beautiful of my Salt Lake days.
Whats interesting about how my life progresses is that it just keeps doing so. I'll be writing or blogging or hanging out with friends counting myself blessed that I have learned what I have and been where I have been and feel like I couldn't learn more.. but each passing year, or month, or day even, my life takes me directions I never expect and I learn things that I never would have guessed were there. And the most amazing part of it all is I'll only be 25 this year and I have so much more to live and learn.
I get overwhelmed with a feeling of euphoria when I think about how beautiful life is. And every moment is a touching one. Every person I meet is a perfect character in my story. I couldn't be more blessed than I am right now.... but as I say that I know tomorrow will give me more to grin and sigh about.
With this new life up here.. I have more time (for a second) to write. So I hope I can fill you in more. But I don't promise anything haha. As past proof has been... I am much better at writing in my comp. books.
Cao.

CALIFORNIA

So.. I've lived here in CA for 3 weeks now and I still love it! I was so afraid I'd stick out like a peach on a cherry tree but I actually fit in quite nicely. I can give credit to my wacky childhood, which helped me be more grounded and diverse i guess.
The Show is going well. We were in the parade yesterday and did "We're All In This Together" like 10 times haha.. good thing its a fun dance! I've made some great friends in the show too. Mainly Danny and Stephanie. Megs and I mixed with those two are quite the funny crew.. or Skunnah's as we've named ourselves.
I know its kind of random for me to go months without blogging and then suddenly dive back in as if everyone should know what i am talking about. Oh well.. Its still fun.
I LOVE the beach!! Its just so chill and warm and you can do whatever haha. We are going on saturday after rehearsal all day.. I'm so excited! The sun, food, the ocean, friends... perfect saturday.
The parties here are way more fun then in Utah. The random parties I'd be invited to there, were small.. with a few bottles of hard liqour, and at most 20 people who divided into their own "clique".. very high school. But the ones here in Cali.. since people are just... MORE of everything haha, they can actually be called a party. Like the one i went to last week. Like 100 people at one time.. but new ones always coming in and out, any drink you wanted prepared by a great bartender (keep in mind this is just at someones house)a d.j., tons of food, and tons of diverse people all talking to each other. My favorite friend made at the party was Boris. He was a 6'10" Russian lol. I seriously had to look up at him. He asked me to teach him how to Salsa lol. Persisting i show him my moves (beings i told him i perfom.. oops). Anyhow.. Steph, Megs, Myself and some other party friends were trying to figure out who he was hitting on.. Me or Megan. We asked him flat out if he was gay or straight. He SAID straight, but by the end he asked me for my number lol. *pops collar*
Also, my first week here I went to Disneyland one day and California Adventure the next. I LOVED IT!! It was just Megs and I of course, but we had SOOOO much fun. All the rides and shows and characters. Definately my kind of place haha. We went on the Indiana Jones ride twice. It would have been more if it hadn't closed down for some reason. We also went on Space Mountain twice. The second time, we kissed right as it took our picture.. it was so cool haha. It looked really good. Everyone commented on it. We totally bought a copy. But yeah I loved every minute of it! I'm totally buying a pass!!
Everday here has a story. But tiping them all would take forever haha. So.. as i have said before but failed to do.. i will try to have more entries. We'll see how it goes though. Too much to see!!:o)
I shall go have more adventures now. I hope everyone can take in everyday and learn all they can from what they are givin. Just as i try to do in my life.
LIFE ROCKS!!

All Shook Up Indeed

So I am this really fun show called All Shook Up at the Hale Center Theater in Orem. Its about a small town that is boring and is overly cautious of everything.. kinda. Its almost Footloose in the 50's. Now the 1950's are one of, if not my most favorite of the decades. This show is packed full of good music and dancing and our casts are brilliant.

My reason for writing about this show are the issues it brings to our attention. In it there are struggles with love and racism and all that jazz. They are all issues that of course need attention. All ends well in the show. But again not my real intent for the blog.

There is a part in the show that deals with Chad falling in love with "ED". Now Ed is really the main girl, natalie, who dresses up like a boy to become friends with Chad and get closer to him, as she is in love with him. But yada yada they have tons in common and Chad falls for Ed. Naturally he is upset and weirded out by the whole "Homosexual" feeling. But he decided love should prevail no matter the situation, gender, color etc. So he accepts he fell in love with his friend Ed.. even though he is a boy.(of course he finds out Ed is a she, natalie, and all is well anyway.. but its cool he decides love is love)
Now beings we're in Utah County, we had to cut some lines and revamp the plot and script to make it so people can tolerate it. So now its as if he is still upset that he could ever have homosexual feelings toward his friend and that its all wrong and repulsive. And that in the end its always better if your with a girl. That is the gist of what we changed it to.
It shouldn't upset me. But it does. If anything we should be leaving the script as is to show people love DOES prevail all and we should accept what our hearts want.. no matter color, gender, age, occupation or whatever other excuses people hide.
We DID, however, leave in all the racial lines and plots.. while thats great and interracial dating is great now.. its no longer an issue. Meaning, we can make those jokes and RELIVE how dumb we were for thinking interracial love and marriage was bad.
SO why not start showing people the real issues of TODAY right?

Of course, me being a gay guy in Utah, i feel different than most about the changes in our show. I am not so much upset at the theater or director for the changes- cuz they would keep it if they could.. but the fact that this stupid valley needs everything formed to their way or they can't f***ing function.

I am very happy. I know that God still loves me and i am a great person. Just because i can fall in love with a great guy doesn't make me any less of a human being. GET OVER YOURSELVES ALREADY!!!! My hell.

This is all i am going to say about this. Live your own f***ing lives and accept others for being happy.

The show is also still really good, despite the ignorant changes. Our director is great, the dancing is a blast.. and music, well, its Elvis.. need i say more? no.. BRILLIANCE

blah blah blah.. the end

[p.s... Its also weird cuz i may or may not be "all shook up" for someone in the cast... ssssh]

Shake it

I have re-discovered my love for dancing. Not only watching and teaching it, but of course performing. Its such an amazing way to express yourself. Yet another one of the arts i love to use to let my soul shine for a while.

This re-dicovery came about when i watched Beyonce on the farewell to TRL. When she danced/sang ALL THE SINGLE LADIES(PUT A RING ON IT)... i found my self booty bumpin along with that lucious performer. Her kind of hip hop lock and drop bump yo ass shake your thang kind of dancing is so fun. I love to do it. Hip hop for sure is my top choice. All dancing, though is amazing.

I just using all of my energy and dramatially emanate it through my whole body until it feels like i might explode!!!.... I'm lucky to have such an appreciation for dancing.

I love when i'm watching people dance, and they are feeling the music so entirely i can see and feel it radiate from them that i can't help but move myself. I hope i can help others do that as well. I hope that by my love for dance, i can move someone positively.

I'm really just rambling right now. So I'll just end todays rant by saying. Have fun. Use your talent to feed your soul and others. You are given them to use with confidence and love and.... the only person who knows what i'm really saying is Janessa i think. So Tink, if you read this. I love you.. lets dance.

Happy Halloween

Oh boy what a night. Nothing ever goes as planned, but tonight it didn't matter. It was still fun. Dressing up- drinks- music- dancing- and a comfy bed to end it haha.

Anyway. Halloween was fun this year, but thats not the loudest thing in my mind. The loudest thing right now is a phone call i got from my dad today. He just called to see how i was and to see if i was stopping my nephew by for trick or treating. And he told me to be safe cuz he worries.
It was so great. The sincerety in his voice is there again. He is genuinely interested in my life and how i am doing. I haven't seen this dad in over 10 years it seems.. if ever. Its really so cool. I hope it stays this way. I think it will. To be honest i think it was my Grandfathers passing that put us all in the positions we needed.
This year has been full. But my life is finally pulling all together. My career is launching, my family is closer, and i have never been happier with who i am.
I told you all... when i'm 22 its gonna be a great year.... and it has been.
Its like 5 am right now.. i'm tired. So i will end it saying.. i love my family and happy to have a father... i love God for giving me my lessons and my life. And my friends?... i've never had so many freakin awesome friends... i freakin love you all
A special shout out to Sunny.. i love you biotch! Lets do lunch soon k? Suchi? JUST us haha .. lingering Craig around the corner haha.
*yaawwwn* Good night/morning.

Happy Trails Grandpa<3

Thursday, 10-22-2008.
I was about to go teach talon some hip hop when my dad called me. It was about 7pm. I knew something was up because he doesn't call me often. He told me that Grandpa wasn't doing too well and that he had pneumonia. He Told me he was going to be in the hospital for 2 or 3 days, then they were going to let him go home so he can either pull out of it there or pass away. After he explained the situation, he told me he loved me and the phone call was over. I didn't know how to feel. It was a lot to take in. Not only the fact that my dad called me with a sincere tone and said he loved me...... but that my grandpa was almost gone.

Friday 10-23-2008
The morning already started off pretty crappy when i almost ran out of gas on my way to work. Then realized i forgot the keys WHEN I GOT TO WORK so i had to borrow Debbies car to go get them from my house.
When i got back to work with the keys my mom called. She told me to get to the hospital as soon as i could as my grandpa wasn't going to last through the day. I got really frustrated because i was already out of gas and wasn't sure i could leave. Yada yada Debbie was amazing and gave me money for gas and helped me on my way.
When i got to the hospital my mom met me in the lobby where she took me back to ICU. There i met my dad and he took me back to see him. He wrapped his arm around me as we walked back to his room. My dad never put his arm around me. His eyes were red and glossy from tears. Grandpa was asleep in the bed, with a machine breathing for him. Grandma was right by his side.. holding his hand. She tried waking him so i could talk to him but he was out of it. Dad told me to say good bye as he and grandma stepped aside. I stepped up to his bedside, and looked at him lying there. I put my hand on his warm bald head, and leaned over to his ear. I whispered, "Hey Gramp. I love you. I just want you to know i'm here and i love you. I'll be seein ya okay?." I then grabbed his hand where he ever so gently squose back. Letting me know he heard.
I went back to the waiting room where i hugged and cried with many family members i haven't seen in so long. After about 20 minutes they called everyone into his room. He was awake but barely audible. We all let him know we were there and that he can finally relax. Just relax. But gramp insisted on going into the kitchen or the couch to visit. "Please, let me just go on the couch" he cried. My uncle and grandma told him to lay back and just sleep.
Everyone in the room was sobbing. My dad included. My brothers. All of these very tough guys just in tears. It was so strange, but beautiful. My grandmother and aunt started to sing Hymns.. my grandma NEVER leaving his side the whole time. I had forgotten how beautiful her voice was. It really struck me hard.
After the room had stopped singing "Till we meet" my grandpa uttered the words, in a very relieved tone... "I'm Home..". We all smiled and cried some more. Grandpa was home. My grandma leaned over and kissed him and started singing... "Happy trails to you.. until we meet again.." Ten minutes later.. he was gone. He had passed away surrounded by his family, comfortable in a warm bed.
"Thanks for the memories" said my grandmother in the warmest, softest voice. She then leaned over and kissed him and whispered in his ear.

There are many details about this day i could never describe on paper. But if there is one thing i can say about it, is that if there were any small doubt in my mind that there was a heaven at all, my grandfathers words "i'm home" smothered those doubts. Of course there really weren't any doubts.. but now everything has been solidifed.

We all remained in the room for a while after his passing.. and we could all feel the joy that was coming from the other side in the rejoicing of my grandfathers return.

"See you soon gramps. I love you. You were and are the perfect example of strength, courage, and integrity. Happy trails gramps.. happy trails."

Right Now.. 10-20-2008, 11:05pm

I'm sitting at my dining room table. The heater is going. I love it when the heater is on. Its always so cozy and comforting. Like a blanket. The table is a mess, as usual. But i like it. Its used. There are notebooks, papers, artist toys, and candy wrapers. The lighting in my apartment always seems to have a sublte yellow glow to it. It adds to the warm feeling. The stove light is on, which spotlights a ceramic sun that has a wise face. He seems to just chill there watching me make messes as i cook. WHEN i cook.
I actually planned on moving when my lease was up this year. But when the day actually came, i stood in my house... in silence.. and looked around. I couldn't do anything but sigh deeply. I couldn't move yet. My energy had finally settled in and the small apartment with barely any furniture had turned into a cozy home where i lived.... live.
**Jeff is relaxing on my shoulder, and my sister is chatting on the phone accross the table from me. My thoughts are like the streets of New York. Busy but focused. Each thought has a place to go, and its only motivation is getting there. But even with the rushing thoughts and hidden to-do lists... i am content. At ease. Most things are as they should be. And the things that aren't are on there way to being ok. It does make me a little nervous deep down. I'm afraid that now everything is starting to look up, it is going to get ripped away. But some things are inevitable. So no need worrying about it.
I've been artisitcaly ambitious all day. For a few days actually. I wish i had more time to focus on all of my ideas. Hey, no need to rush it right? As long as i can have a creative outlet in some part of the day i should be fine.
I'm excited for this winter/Christmas/birthday. The slow quiet snowy evenings. With sparkling lights. Togetherness. And origional beanies and scarves:o) Its a magic time of year. And this year i am so FULL of a warm spirit i think it might be one of the best Giving Season's of my life.
For now i'll retire to my bed where i will try to calm my ambitious thoughts. Where i will count my billion blessings. Where i will think of friends, family and the love and art i will find in every day i live.
Cozy in my black comforter, with subtle music in the background, premature art projects waiting around me... and the heater on at 75 degrees.... good night neverland<3

Blue Eyed Lover

I’m falling in love with someone I’ve never met. I’ve flirted, got butterflies over, and kissed someone I’ve never even spoken to. My dreams can be so cruel yet so beautiful. Its been twice now that I’ve dreamt of this certain gorgeous boy who before I was a little jealous of and had slightly harsh feelings for. But these dreams have shown me either a secret version no one knows or one my heart had conceaved because its what it longs for.
People know of this guy. But no one I know actually knows him personally. Its seems so strange to me that I could develope feelings for a stranger. But the way he looks at me.. the way he touches my hand.. and the way I explode with electric happiness when we kiss has built some sort of connection to him. Why? I really have NO clue. I love it and hate it.
I am a huge sucker for cute romantic sublties of flirting. Let me explain my dreams and you’ll know what I fall for and why I have fallen for the dream boy…
Dream 1: I was at a big party slash celebration at a water park and I was sitting behind this waterfall alone just thinking whilst everyone else swam and yelled and had a blast blah blah.. then “blue eyes” swam up to me and said “hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you and say how talented I think you are.. good job” and I was of course flattered and thanked him for this compliment. Then his “groupies” came and sat all around us and were talking to him. But while his buddies were talking he very softly and secretly slipped his hand in mine under the water. A burst of butterflies immediately filled my stomach. Then after a few minutes his friends all left in a rush to get some food, I stayed behind and “blue eyes” stayed with me. We just stared at eachother holding hands.. and slowly he leaned in and gave me a sweet, gentle kiss. End of dream one. Of course when I woke up I was in shock given who it was and how good it felt, and just passed it off as a wishful dream.
Dream 2: We’re all rehearsing for some random production be it movie or play, I’m not sure. And no one is focused and music is playing and in this “show” I’m suppose to be dancing with this girl but she was off talking to her friends so I was just standing there. “Blue Eyes” then came up to me and said in a very cute way with an adorable smile, “I’ll dance with you”. So he and I, while the rest of the cast was chatting and dancing randomly amongst themselves, danced and played around. I then picked up a roled up piece of sliced ham from the snack table ( I know, hidden context but no need to discuss it) and put it in my mouth. “Blue eyes” then said “look its like lady and the tramp haha” and he bit the other end. We were giggling as we chewed to the middle. But when we both actually got to the middle, we could feel the strong energy in eachothers heart and the butterflies went insane. Then at the last bite in the middle, our lips touched. Our eyes closed and we savored each other, each second connecting with each other more and more. The kiss ended and the director yelled for us to get back to work.. and we all did. End of dream two. Wow.
Now the way I felt in both of these dreams was extrodinary! So strong and sincere. Ususally when I dream of something so vivid more than once it means something. Now who the hell knows what it means. But of course I truly hope and wish it means I will actually fall in love with him and he with me or someone just like him. Because with “blue eyes” I’ve never felt so happy… ever. I would give practically ANYTHING to feel that glow and happiness and love in real life. So please god let that dream be showing me the future.
I feel like he is out there. Dreaming of me. Who ever and where ever he may be. He, at the very same moment I am, stares out into the stars thinking of my face… wanting to hold me, wondering where I am. I AM HERE IN PLEASANT GROVE UTAH!!! I am waiting for you… with a strong and willing heart.

You lift my soul and shock my heart with your beautiful blue eyes that match the sharpness of mine. There is no danger or pain in the world when your hand touches mine, or when your arms are around me. When our lips touch nothing else exists in the world but beauty, love and equaltiy. I could dance with you for hours, and I’ll lay with you for eternity. I’m here.. waiting… to give you my love.

Louder and Louder

My ambitions seem to be getting louder and louder. They are screaming in my ear and in my center. I don't know how to let them out. Well in some ways i know how to let them out but am unable to due to certain circumstances in my life.
I wish i could share my view of the world.. with the world. I want to take my friends to my Neverland.. only a few have been able to fly there with me. Of course my Tinkerbell (ness), and i might have found a Wendy! She seems very adventurous. Very ambitious and excited about the small beauties in life... perfect.
I don't know if i've mentioned this but i AM peter pan. Now i don't mean i like the character and pretend i'm peter pan... i AM peter pan. My imagination is my world.. i view the world quite differently than most. Everyday is an adventure. And my friend Janessa is really this fiesty girl who is my little adventure sidkick and she always just comes along with me no matter the danger... she understands my spontaneous insanity. And my Wendy?.. well i shan't go into detail as we must see who she really is first.
I wish more people would let me take them on adventures. Come on people just let your fears and insecurities go... listen to your heart and dreams and just LIVE!!! ugh.
Anyway... this blog doesn't make too much sense but i felt like i needed to write that today....

cutting away my past

So. Look at me. I finally went out and got a good computer and starting back into my blog. I'm excited.
And being so excited i'm going to dive right in...
A TON of things have happened already this year. Its only half over... slash ALREADY half over.
I can't even begin to tell you everything that has happened or what i have felt. But i can tell you what is going on now.
I feel very stuck. Lost. Like i'm staring at a blank canvas waiting to paint a masterpiece. But all i'm doing is staring at it. I can't find my paint.. or my brushes. All i have is this beautiful bright. white canvas just waiting. My struggle is finding the materials to create such a painting.
Also, i feel like a piece of me is wondering somewhere, aimlessly. I don't know what is missing but i really don't feel 100% complete. I can't identify if its someONE or someTHING. Whatever this missing piece is, FIND ME!!!
Speaking of finding someONE, why is it so hard? If i were a "normal" slutty homo i wouldn't have trouble finding meaningless boyfriends to doodle and call it good. But since i am a human i need to find someone to go on adventures with me. Fly with me. Paint, write, laugh, eat taco amigo with. Why Taco Amigo? WHY NOT?!
I just want a decent guy who will sleep with me (literally sleep) and protect me at night... and vise versa. Someone who will make my mom laugh as much as he makes me laugh. Who will call my me just to say he saw this lady in the mall who is just like someone we know...
and he'll get butterflies everytime i text him. He'll randomly buy me my favorite crackers cuz he knows i like them and he knew i'd appreciate it.
someone who will call me crying cuz he'll know that i'll leave and come get him... and vise versa.. (no clue what the spelling is on that btw).
He'll think my unexplainable neverland adventures are adorable although he may not always see what i do.
I could go on for hundreds of pages.. but i'll refrain.. you get the idea.
Where is that guy who will kiss me... kiss me cuz the butterflies scream at him to do it.. and then they get bigger when he does.
WHERE ARE YOU?! So far i've only met the opposite of you. Granted i've only been looking for a couple months.. even so not really LOOKING.. just waiting haha. Anyway i need a real guy who loves himself and me. AND... viseversa


One last thing. I sometimes go through this phase where i'll need a random quick change of pace to keep me sane and to dicipline my fear of change itself. Its usually a job i change or something to do with my appearance. My point? I am thinking about cutting my long hair to throw me into a new groove. Also get rid of my "past" hair. It kinda explains itself.

Well. There is change around everycorner and opportunities in every window. I just need to buck up and attack it all with full force... WHO'S WITH ME?!!

Lets get real....

life is too short lately. Things have happened where i realize this all to much. That we should all get over the past and focus on living today and accepting people and just trying to all pull together so we can make this life the least lonely as possible.

And all the while.. as i sit here realizing these things... i find it hard to move on from one thing.... one person really. Its so weird. Everyone says i'm better off with out this person and that i seem much happier. But they don't know. And who are we to say life is better WITHOUT someone? Really? Life is better without friends or enemies or comedians or fishermen? Okay so that last sentence doesn't make sense. But why must we all waste time hating and being mad and holding grudges? Think of the other things we could be doing! Going and playing up the canyon.. randomly dressing up and making videos.. making collages... finding great books at borders and discussing them.......... instead we seclude ourselves and stew over things that are long gone and learned from.

Of course i need to be taking my own advice here... but at least i'm admitting to it haha.
I love you all. I apologize for not making it evident.
Thank you for everything.

Epoh

Well... What in the world is going on?.. My life seems to be stuck in some vortex or something.  Things are so strange.  I'm almost numb, but i can still hurt.  Everything seems so blurry.  I use to know how to handle anything and approach things head on!  Lately though, i'm lost.  Just stumped and blank.  There are barely any words for me to explain.  I wish i COULD explain it- that would help me figure it out more.I do have complete faith and trust in God.  I know he knows what he is doing and what is happening now is suppose to... but i still have never felt so confused by it!  My head is tilted and one eyebrow i raised because ya got me as to what my life is doing.  Its... So... FRUSTRATING!! *deep sigh*This year i had a pretty good idea as to what might happen and where i might go.... but so far its the strangest thing... i'm SOOOOO thrown through a loop.  What the hell haha.  I never know whether to cry or laugh or stare off into space.  But i suppose that could be the definition of life.

Last time...

I know I won't shut up about it. I know I keep going on and on and won't stop talking about it. Well it stops after this. I had my last realization last night and I've finally moved on.
*You guys won't let me forget will you? You don't want me to forgive myself. Well too late I already did. YES I made a mistake! I'M HUMAN!!!... I'm not stupid.. anymore. I get that it was a big mistake and that it shouldn't have happened. But guess what it did and its over and done. I have definitely learned from it. But you seem to keep making me carry this like I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm not going to. I have learned from it immensely and I know you have too. I'm moving on.
I really wanted to work through things with you. I realized my mistake and wanted so bad to show you what I learned and to earn and work towards being with you. That's what you do when you love each other. But the more I thought about THAT. And the more I saw you being happier without me and you seeming so harsh. I realized maybe you never loved me as much as either of us thought. Don't get me wrong- I know you loved me a lot, as I did/do you. But I think you were just afraid of being alone. And now that you know you aren't alone without screwed up little me you realize how much better off you actually are. You see that you were with me for so long because it was safe.
My brother had a similar situation. He and this girl have been together for almost the same amount of time we were and they are really committed and cute and they love each other. But there was a rough patch and yada yada my brother was having a hard time in life, he got drunk, and slept with another girl. He hated himself for doing it and the girl broke up with him. A couple days past, and they talked. They talked and talked and worked things out because they LOVE each other and they really wanted it to work at it. Like you always say relationships need to be worked through and there needs to be room for growth, learning and compromise!
I couldn't understand why we couldn't work through it and show each other our love more now than ever. I really wanted to do that for you; Show you how much I found I truly deeply love you. It hurt me in many ways that you didn't want to try. But now I understand. You never loved me as much as you thought or wanted. Which I really understand as well. Its sad but I think that's it.
I understand that I hurt you and something like this isn't easy to get over. But I need you to understand that this mistake doesn't define me. It makes me a better person and a better boyfriend and companion.
I know I seem like a screwed up individual and one to be shut off and never learn.. maybe because I was. But now? You have no idea. I am so different. I am better!.. Sadly you won't know that. You won't see who I've become.
I do love you with all that I am. You will always be stitched to my heart. But you know that you don't love me as you did. I appreciate everything you have done for me. And the only reason I have grown is because of you.. for you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times!!.. You are amazing and beautiful. Maybe one day in the future when we are wiser and more mature. When we are past all this and stronger people for it. Perhaps we may love each other again. I wish we could talk about everything right now.. get it all out. But I understand your feelings towards me and I'm sorry for that. Just always know I'm here and loving you.
***I've successfully rambled on yet again to someone who may never read this... sigh.