I have had a revelation I think. As if there were a sudden change of light on my life. There I was questioning everything in my life. Questioning my job, my living arrangements, my future, my family, my friends. Out of all of it I was questioning myself. I was constantly debating what kind of person I thought I was. After all of the recent events that out of no where bombarded my life, I was forced into this whirlpool of confusion. I seemed to constantly be second guessing the structure of my being. It was scary. I was always wondering if I was in fact a good person. Did people care what happened to me? Was I thought about when I wasn't there? Am I considered a good friend to people? Are others grateful they met me? None of it seemed to fit to me. I couldn't see how anyone really actually wondered what I was doing. Or thought about me and laughed and said to themselves "what a great guy.." I felt so damn alone I just wanted to run away to see if anyone at all would wonder where I went or even noticed I was missing.
With all of the questioning and second guessing, there was also the thought of "is he happy?" That I believe was actually the louder thought. I hate the image of him crying, or having harsh feelings towards me. What I want more than my own happiness is for him to be happy and live strong. I don't want HIM to second guess himself for even a second. If what I did and what happened is making myself question things and wonder.. what is it doing to him. Of course he is much stronger than I am, he always has been. I know inside that he knows who he is and he never has and never will sell himself short. But that leads back to the way I've been feeling.
I was scared that I would have to settle in life. Settle with a dead end job, with living alone. Facing the fact that I might be alone for longer than I think. I was constantly scared that I would have to settle with someone who I don't nessecarily love but they show me attention. The list would go on and on and I would just scream telling it all to shut up! I couldn't see an opening to the tunnel.. it was a loud dead end and I couldn't break through.
When all seemed hopeless and I had practically numbed myself from feeling. When I had shut out the human emotion that what I had forgotten was natural. There was a knock at my inner door. It was my best friend. The one who has always been there. The one who I always turn to for advice and guidance, and the one that seemed to be telling me "leave a message". He had returned my calls. He stayed for hours. We talked about everything. He helped me open my eyes and heart even more and calmed me down.
My revelation is this: That I AM a good person. This whole time I was in shock and disgust at the mistakes I've made and that I hurt the one I loved. That I am a selfish and empty person. But my best friend let me know otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes. The things I did were not the best, that's true. And although my intentions behind them were cloudy and unclear, they were not bad intentions they were simply just executed badly. I had to evaluate my steps.
In short I guess, what I have realized is that my heart is true. It may get confused sometimes but whose heart doesn't? That this whole time I have been beating myself up for what happened when really I needed to just learn from it. It was a lesson not a punishment. I tried really hard to be careful with my actions and tried to figure out my thoughts and emotions. It didn't do much good as I still hurt myself and the one I loved. I still can't pin point where it went horribly wrong or where I got so lost, but at least I have grown immensely from it.
I also would try my hardest not to think of what i lost. It would hurt too much. I was constantly telling myself "get over it!!". I thought i just had to move on. But now, i see i don't have to!.. I still love him. I will always love him. I don't know how he feels right now or what is going through his mind. I do know that he is so dear to me that i don't have to let go immediately, or ever for that matter. He is the one and only person, i believe, that loved me 100%- flaws and all. And i loved/love him 100% flaws and all. Although a huge beautiful chapter of my life and the story of us is over, i refuse to let it go. Maybe in the future we can again share our lives with eachother, and maybe not. I just have to accept that i can't ignore the greatness he is, the beauty we were and are, and what our lives have in store. No more crying. No more beating myself up.
The thoughts and frustrations of people not seeking me out or liking me have been silenced. They are still there of course but they are maintained. Talking to the one who has always loved me and loved talking to me showed me that again. That I am a good person. That my heart and intentions mean well. That all I want in this world is to make a difference for the better and to be remembered and thought of as a funny guy who loved and lived his life. And I will do so. For those of you who see me for that I want you to know I see you for who you really are inside too. And I love you all. I love that we can all share experiences together and we can all love and laugh and learn. I love that my craziness is looked at as a good thing, because it is:o).
When I try to talk about things such as life and passion and truth, I seem to ramble and jumble my thoughts. I don't know if this blog has made any sense but if even if it hasn't I find comfort in the fact that at least one "person", my best friend, knows who I am as much as I do if not more. I am eternally grateful for what he has done and we will always be close.
Blah blah blah blah blah... I think I need to stop before I make this anymore confusing.
... I know its said a lot and painted in numerous Mormon homes and stitched on t-shirts and hanging on doors... but Live, Laugh, Love... and learn... don't take anything for granted.
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