I have recently come out of a really beautiful and committed relationship. We were together for a year and 8 months. As I think I have stated before it kind of went downhill because of me. I sort of broke it in November, not knowing really what i was doing and not knowing that i was breaking something that may never be mended.
The part that kills me the most is that i am the reason its over. I am the one that has caused the most pain. Not intentionally of course. I hate to think that i hurt the one person who was ever crazy enough to love me for who i am. That i made him cry.. that i broke one of the most valuable things..... trust. IT KILLS ME!!!.. I don't understand why i had to be so naive and down right stupid. If i didn't know what regret felt like before i do now.. and i may for the rest of my life.
This boy is amazing. It just baffles my mind to think i ever wanted to date anyone else. STUPID!! If there is any good that came out of all this ugly and sadness, its me finally realising how beautiful and perfect and AMAZING he is. I am definitely lucky just to know him. I can't even express in words.
I actually still want to be with him. His name is stitched to my heart... forever. But him being the best, he deserves the best. And i am clearly not the best for anyone. I am not even the best for myself. It really hurts my soul to say that.. but its true. All i want is his happiness and i want him to find someone who will treat him like the gold he is. I want more then anything in this world to be that person right now- but great mistakes come with great consequences. Its ugly and hard but that's life.
He told me last night not to call or text him. At that point my heart officially shattered. This whole time it had been cracking and chipping.. but i guess he really realised how bad i was in his life and had to cut me out completely. OUCH!! And if you love someone you have to let them go. I really just wanted to drive to his house and beg and cry and tell him it'll be okay we can work it out...... but i can't hold him back anymore. Its going to be so damn hard to let him go. All i ever want is for him to be next to me again. God blessed me so much by giving him to me.. and even though we are apart.. I'll carry everything he taught me in my mind and heart. He changed my life for the better. And i hope.. in the slightest bit.. that i changed him for the better. I hope that one day he'll think of me and smile instead of think of me and cry.
I have never been more sincere in wanting someone else to find true happiness. It just kills me that i couldn't give it to him. I really was trying to fix things with him and prove to him that i won't make the same mistakes again. But i guess it wasn't hard enough. Honesty is the best thing to keep in your life.. it can save a lot of people, especially yourself, a lot of hurt. I am going to be 100% honest from now on. I have been since a certain night when i told this boy everything. There is no way right now that he'll ever believe me or know that i am being honest... but i am. Like i said.. i broke his fragile trust and its not easy to mend.
I see these straight couples and young people playing these games and taking love for granted and just shake my head. If they only knew what real love was. If they only knew how important every ones feelings are. And i don't think they realize how easy they have it. Yes finding love is hard for everyone... but there are those where it falls into their laps and their biggest worry is which girl to choose... or which guy to choose. For me?... its facing the fact that i could spend the rest of my life alone. I don't think I'll ever find someone like i had and i never want to. He'll never know how much i care and how much i really love him... no one will. And to be honest i would wait forever for him.
I am really lucky to have met the friends and have the friends i have. As i don't know what i would even look like right now with out even a little bit of company. Nothing seems important anymore. My life seems very dim without this beautiful boy. But my friends help me laugh when i cry. They help my stand up when I'm weak. That shows that God loves me. Although possibly the best chapter of my life is now over... god continues to give me more chapters and experiences. Things may get scary and sad and dark.. but the story continues. We all have to learn from our mistakes and move on. That is life... learning.
My birthday is in 4 days.. the 31st. I am scared. I hate my birthday anyway, but now that i am alone again.. its going to be really rough. And truly all i want for my birthday is for this beautiful extraordinary boy to find happiness. To be able to forgive me and go far in life. I know he will as he is the strongest person in know and i know that his dreams will come true. And if my birthday wish for his happiness comes true then i will have comfort. I hope that i can drown myself with friends on this day- as that's the only way i won't be crying the whole time.. so i hope that i can get them all together for a bunch of fun. I of course just wish that boy could be there.
I wouldn't wish heart ache on my worst enemy. As it can mess with your whole self. Love is the best gift in the bigger gift of life and i hope that people realise this and don't take it for granted. Don't take any of gods gifts for granted... for you don't want to experience them being ripped away.
To my friends.. thank you for your support and i hope you will be there for me still as the next year is going to be rough.
And to that amazing boy who anyone to know you is blessed... i love you forever. Your name is stitched to my heart for eternity and i hope to have you in my life in the future. Never forget how great you are and always follow your dreams. You deserve the best and i hope you find it. Thank you for everything puppy. You've changed my life for the better.
-Gracias a la Vida... i got to know you.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
My FaMilY
There is a lot about me that people don't know. Even my best friends don't know a lot about my past. Really its no ones business, its just interesting to think that people think they know me and know why i am the way i am. And then i think- if thats the case with me, there is probably a lot about my friends that I don't know.
What brings this up is an event last night. My brother called me for a ride at like 11:45pm. I get so caught up in trying to be happy and achieve and trying to please others that i seem to put aside my family. I forget that we are all still messed up and hurting. And although we have moved past some things there is always some form of new hurt that can keep the old hurt company.
I myself have worked hard to get over things and overcome the bad in my life. I try to keep things clean. Of course i keep god really close to me and perhaps thats why i've been able to be so blessed and been able to look past a lot of ugly. But my siblings and my mother? It seems to me they still struggle some. I love them more than anyone, and i regret not being there as much as i should have. Yes, i was and am supportive.. but sadly i have put other people before them and that is something no one should do.
My family is amazing. We are the odd balls. Everywhere we go people look at us and treat us different. If i recall correctly, everywhere we have lived the surrounding people treat us different.. as if they are superior. But really, in all reality, as actual PEOPLE we have been the superior ones compared to most of those people. I really don't like saying that.. as no one is or should actually be above anyone else. My point is, is that these judgmental people are no better than the assumptions they make in their ignorant minds.
Out of everyone i know- my mother, my siblings, and yes even my father at times are more accepting and more loving and caring with others. I really am blessed to have this family. Most people don't think so but they never lived through it.. they don't know the really good parts they only know/look at the bad.
I couldn't ask anyone to understand me and my family.. as that is impossible. And no one can really understand another persons family or their relationship with them unless of course you marry into it. I would just like to express that i love my family dearly. Through the rough ugly times and the hilarious fun times. We are definately a unique bunch.
Thank god for that.
What brings this up is an event last night. My brother called me for a ride at like 11:45pm. I get so caught up in trying to be happy and achieve and trying to please others that i seem to put aside my family. I forget that we are all still messed up and hurting. And although we have moved past some things there is always some form of new hurt that can keep the old hurt company.
I myself have worked hard to get over things and overcome the bad in my life. I try to keep things clean. Of course i keep god really close to me and perhaps thats why i've been able to be so blessed and been able to look past a lot of ugly. But my siblings and my mother? It seems to me they still struggle some. I love them more than anyone, and i regret not being there as much as i should have. Yes, i was and am supportive.. but sadly i have put other people before them and that is something no one should do.
My family is amazing. We are the odd balls. Everywhere we go people look at us and treat us different. If i recall correctly, everywhere we have lived the surrounding people treat us different.. as if they are superior. But really, in all reality, as actual PEOPLE we have been the superior ones compared to most of those people. I really don't like saying that.. as no one is or should actually be above anyone else. My point is, is that these judgmental people are no better than the assumptions they make in their ignorant minds.
Out of everyone i know- my mother, my siblings, and yes even my father at times are more accepting and more loving and caring with others. I really am blessed to have this family. Most people don't think so but they never lived through it.. they don't know the really good parts they only know/look at the bad.
I couldn't ask anyone to understand me and my family.. as that is impossible. And no one can really understand another persons family or their relationship with them unless of course you marry into it. I would just like to express that i love my family dearly. Through the rough ugly times and the hilarious fun times. We are definately a unique bunch.
Thank god for that.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Words that describe how i feel.....
insecure
irrate
frustrated
inadequate
intrigued
sad
overwhelmed
dazed
lost
ugly/unattractive
dark
rushed
pressure
disgusted
sure
unsure
obligated
stuck
ambitious
............. I want to scream!... gwaaaaaaaah!!!!
irrate
frustrated
inadequate
intrigued
sad
overwhelmed
dazed
lost
ugly/unattractive
dark
rushed
pressure
disgusted
sure
unsure
obligated
stuck
ambitious
............. I want to scream!... gwaaaaaaaah!!!!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Celebrate "you"
I feel like some people I know aren't being true to themselves. As in.. they aren't really being themselves.. that they are just going by what they think others will like. I don't like this thought. People.. why do you want to be fake or do things you really don't want.. or immulate others just for people to like you. You do realize that they aren't liking you they are liking this character you have made up to please them. And I think you are hiding something. You are denying it to yourself nor to others. Here is a little scoop of truth. If you are worried that your friends won't like you for the 100% you.. perhaps they are not the best friends to keep around anyway. The real friends are the ones that know you in full and remain in your life.. and want to get to know you more. I myself want to get to know you more. Indeed this is directed to more than one person. I just wish people could realize their true potential. Stop worrying about the majority. Because the majority of the majority is afraid to be different.. and now-a-days.. I feel like the "majority" is becoming the minority... people are finding who THEY are and going with it. We need to celebrate our differences. I would hate for all of my friends to be just like me... SNORE!.. I'm with me everyday.. why would I want that all the time. Yeah its nice to have things in common, but you know what I mean.
Just sayin.. that I love you all.. and I think I know whom you are inside.. my intuition is usually correct.. and I still love you all. I'm here for you.
Allow me to repeat therefore emphatically..
"Be who you are, and say what you feel. For those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
-Dr. Seuss.
Just sayin.. that I love you all.. and I think I know whom you are inside.. my intuition is usually correct.. and I still love you all. I'm here for you.
Allow me to repeat therefore emphatically..
"Be who you are, and say what you feel. For those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
-Dr. Seuss.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Christmas Love
I would like to share with you a Christmas memory. Of course I have many and they are all special. But there is one memory that really just touches my heart and gets my all teary eyed.
It was probably 2003 or 2004 not quite sure, but I was living with my mom and it had been a year or so after my dad left. So my mom was trying really hard to support us as well as herself. So Christmas was rolling around and my mom was putting in extra hours at the pool hall I believe it was. She was working so hard because she wanted us to have a Christmas. So Christmas eve came up and she asked me to help wrap the presents. She seemed so nervous.. she was so worried no one would like the gifts. Myself and my older sister didn't get anything as we were older and understood (I was 18 or 19 sister was 20 or 21...). So as we were wrapping the gifts she seemed sad or scared that it wasn't good enough. The gifts for my siblings touched my heart. Even though they were from a dollar store and just little things. The work and thought that went into them made them priceless. She really tried and worked so hard to make a Christmas. She did it all by herself, a single mom.
I'll never forget that Christmas. Of course my mom has her down times and there have been rough patches. But there were times like that, that really showed us how much she really loves us. I'd go back to school after Christmas break and everyone would talk about what they got for Christmas and they can't wait to use this or can't wait to show each other that. All I could do was smile and know how much luckier I was. I loved/love the fact that those things they got would soon get old.. uninteresting. But my moms love. Her hard work and thoughts about us would be there forever. It was something I could always feel and remember. Something I'd could go home to. No object in the world would ever give me that feeling I felt that night and that morning on Christmas. I doubt even explaining this will make anyone understand. Even now I think back and feel warm inside know such love.
I don't know what this Christmas will be like or what or what it brings. But as long as I have the people I love in it it'll be great. AND I have a cute Christmas tree so its perfect.
I wish everyone a happy holiday and hope that in any point in your lives you feel such love and care.
It was probably 2003 or 2004 not quite sure, but I was living with my mom and it had been a year or so after my dad left. So my mom was trying really hard to support us as well as herself. So Christmas was rolling around and my mom was putting in extra hours at the pool hall I believe it was. She was working so hard because she wanted us to have a Christmas. So Christmas eve came up and she asked me to help wrap the presents. She seemed so nervous.. she was so worried no one would like the gifts. Myself and my older sister didn't get anything as we were older and understood (I was 18 or 19 sister was 20 or 21...). So as we were wrapping the gifts she seemed sad or scared that it wasn't good enough. The gifts for my siblings touched my heart. Even though they were from a dollar store and just little things. The work and thought that went into them made them priceless. She really tried and worked so hard to make a Christmas. She did it all by herself, a single mom.
I'll never forget that Christmas. Of course my mom has her down times and there have been rough patches. But there were times like that, that really showed us how much she really loves us. I'd go back to school after Christmas break and everyone would talk about what they got for Christmas and they can't wait to use this or can't wait to show each other that. All I could do was smile and know how much luckier I was. I loved/love the fact that those things they got would soon get old.. uninteresting. But my moms love. Her hard work and thoughts about us would be there forever. It was something I could always feel and remember. Something I'd could go home to. No object in the world would ever give me that feeling I felt that night and that morning on Christmas. I doubt even explaining this will make anyone understand. Even now I think back and feel warm inside know such love.
I don't know what this Christmas will be like or what or what it brings. But as long as I have the people I love in it it'll be great. AND I have a cute Christmas tree so its perfect.
I wish everyone a happy holiday and hope that in any point in your lives you feel such love and care.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Its not a choice.. its Love
Today's issue I would like to discuss is the endless controversy of homosexuality. Yes, it is true that it is a little more discussed and accepted then it has been in the past, but its still a big issue and there is not enough discussion about it. I think there just needs to be more awareness, more knowledge. If people understood it a little more this world might be a little better.
Everything I say here today is going by what knowledge I have and my experiences in life.. as no one can speak for everyone.
Choice vs. Love
Of course I shall start by saying I myself am gay and it is NOT a choice. If you think about it logically.. who would choose to have the chance of their family disowning them? Who would choose a lifetime of ridiculing and judgment from friends and peers? Who would choose to have to fight to have your own children or marry the one you fall in love with. Who wants to work harder for everything in their life. I'll be honest.. not me. If I had the choice I would have chosen to be straight. My life would be so much easier. The home life, my relationship with my father, school, work, meeting new people, making friends, dating etc. It all of course would have been easier if I were straight. Even my future would be easier. I have to worry about finding someone to be committed to, what people are going to think about it how we're going to have kids. Since I really want to get into film acting this little detail about me can hold me back in that industry. WHY would I choose to have that extra struggle in my life with all of the other things that I have had..... chuh! I wouldn't. I don't see how that is appealing to anyone. Everything I/we have to do we have to sensor ourselves. Granted not a lot of gay men sensor themselves, which I'll address a little later. But even something as simple as going to dinner or a movie with your boyfriend or girlfriend (yes I'm addressing this for lesbians too). We can't sit next to each other in a restaurant. We can't cuddle in the theater or even hold hands walking down the street. It makes people uneasy and they shun it. That is so hard. All I've wanted is someone to love and pamper and hold hands with.. but we can only do that in a secluded environment. Well at least here in Utah. But its not just "PDA".. which to a certain degree with any orientation can be awkward and annoying. Its meeting new people, how you act in the work place what you say. When people know if you are gay they question what you do or say whenever whatever. Not everyone does mind you, but a good majority does. I just wish we could all trade places for a day.. then we would all know how each other feels. But that's with any issue this world faces.. racism, gay, nerdy, fat thin. My basic point in this matter is that it is not a choice. Whether it be genetic or something in the brain or something higher... we didn't choose it, we're born with it. It sucks but its true. I tried so hard when I was younger to be straight. I had girlfriends!!.. But at some point I had to realize that I couldn't change it and it wasn't fair to myself, nor the girls I was dating. Its like telling a straight man to one day wake up and want to be with another man. You ask a straight man to "choose" for a day to get and erection or fall in love for another guy... he couldn't do it. Now if he can't do that for a guy.. how could we for a girl. Believe me, I've tried and tried. I wanted so bad to just want to like sports and want a girlfriend and be part of the "in crowd". But as time goes on and as we grow up (I'm sure this is with any gay man) we realize that we cannot change so we must accept who we are. I think everyone should do this whether you be gay or straight or fat or thin or smart or dumb. Again, point being, accept who you know and feel you are.. you know it isn't a choice- who cares what others think. Do not be afraid to love someone, no matter who they are.. for no one can help the way they feel.
Stereotypes
Now, something that really needs to be addressed is the stereotype of homosexuals. Now stereotypes apply to everyone and are harmful no matter the issue. Now a huge stereotype of the homosexual male is a feminine, promiscuous, glittery boy who loves drinking partying and sex. I'm not sure how many people think this, but I don't blame them. A lot of the gay culture IS like that, which I HATE!! I hate it for the fact that there are many of us out there who are not like that. I myself am far from promiscuous. It took me 20 years to actually share a kiss with someone let alone the rest of my body. I am fashion conscious and I do have a unique style.. but I wouldn't consider it a "gay style". I hate the club scene and I only drink on celebrations and I shall never ever do drugs. I also would not consider myself very flamboyant. I do have my "jack" moments, but only to be funny. The real me I would hope isn't the lispy high talking wrist flicking stereotype that people label most gays with. My mannerisms and demeanor can give me away when i let it.. but only because that is the stereotype that people are familiar with. But stereotypes apply to anyone like I've said. For instance, I recently had an encounter with a gay boy, we'll call him "joe". I would never guess him to be gay, as his mannerisms fit into the "straight stereotype". The way he dressed, walked, talked, his actions.. everything fit into to straight guy mold that men seem to slip into. But indeed "joe" is gay. And the stereotypes apply to Lesbians as well. Most people think of homosexual women to be very "manly" with short hair, baggy clothes and rugged. While there are those types out there (if your happy that's cool) I know some lesbian girls who are very girly and very pretty. So to reiterate what I've said- although stereotypes apply to every culture and orientation or race, not all of us fit that and that is what everyone must realize. Not everyone has to be labeled or fit into what is expected.
Another stereotype I've heard of is that gay men turn out to be or are perverted or pedophiles. WRONG!!.. Sadly it is true in some people. But no more true is it in gay men then straight. People focus too much and build things off of the bad things they here.. there isn't enough discussion on the good qualities in life or in people.
So I don't talk forever on the stereotype issue, I'll bring conclude this section with the last stereotype that will take me into the next issue. How gay men sleep around and have no regard for themselves or others. Just sex and making out and no morals. Again, while some gay men are like that.. so are most straight men. Almost all the straight friends I have love making out and sex. They don't see it as something special. Another friend I have as I have mentioned in a previous blog- loves just making out and having sex and playing girls. That makes me so sick and angry and annoyed. Thus my next point...
Straight vs. Gay
As I stated above, gay men can be looked at as predators, promiscuous and perverted. But I know more straight men like that than gay men. Now I am not saying gay is better than straight by any means and I do not mean to compare the two as I think every culture or orientation etc. is equal with all of these accusations.. people are people and have issues. But it is more acknowledged in the gay culture when straight people are also guilty of what we are accused of. The sleeping around and using women is something I hate in the straight culture. I have known too many beautiful girls and women who have been hurt by the horny straight man, and my mother and sister are included in that statistic. Straight men do love sex. A lot of men I know don't seem to have any regard for how the woman feels (again I do know gay men like that but not as many as the straight men). I myself, and the homosexual men I know- are far from that. We all are looking for someone to commit to and love- not for a night of lust. Nice dates, like movies or dinner cuddling and talking, like a real date should be for anyone. Not having sex with several people or getting drunk at the club. Of course as I have said.. both of the types I just described apply to straight couples/people as well. To state it simply as I have.. Gay people and Straight people are actually quite parallel. Some are smutty and some are sweet.. we need to stop pinning labels and stereotypes on people as no one can fit them perfectly.
And while some folks love to accuse us of being selfish and gross, these straight boys hurt these beautiful women. And who do they then turn to?.. Us gay men. What other guy is going to listen and take care of a beautiful girl like a genuine sensitive homosexual boy who will be honest and accepting of a girl for exactly who they are. That my readers brings me to my fourth issue of the matter.
"Fag Hags" (hate the term immensely)
This term is sometimes used harshly and comedically.. whatever the intension behind the label.. I hate it. What I am led to believe this term means is a girl who only hangs out with gay men and never really dates other guys.. even if she does date straight guys she surrounds her self by homosexual men. While this ignorant term can be true.. I have girlfriends who of course date other guys but we are friends and they are accepting of gays. But for those cute girls who are these so called "fag hags".. why do you think the only men they turn to are gay?.. Because straight men hurt them, make them insecure. Or perhaps s. men make them feel inadequate. Or even skinny beautiful girls make them feel that way. And I don't want to make it seem that all "F-hags" are over weight or ugly.. in fact all of my girl friends are quite beautiful.. but half of them have been hurt. My belief is women turn to gay men because we are honest to their face and we accept them 100% as that is what we want in return. Love is a huge issue in this world especially love for ones self. And we as humans look for it in many different ways.
My best friend whom I love and we have been friends since 3rd grade, was called my hag once. I of course was quite offended. She only got that label when i came out to people that i was homosexual. When in fact she loved me no matter what even before she actually knew about me. So to whomever uses the term Fag Hag I suggest you look up the words loyalty, friendship, love, genuine, beauty in the dictionary THEN make your decision as to whom these "fag hags" are. For in fact they are the most beautiful women and funny and smart women you know.. much better then half the hussies you may sleep with. That is all.. I mustn't keep rambling.
"I now pronounce you husband and husband.."
Now... the most controversial part of Homosexuality. Gay Marriage [dum dum dum]. I obviously would love for it to be legalized. A gay man such as myself have been lucky enough to know what it is like to find true love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone. Granted I messed up and have sort of jeopardized that chance. And of course I am too young to commit to such a thing anyway- I would love that commitment in the future. To live together and raise children. I don't know what the world is so worried about anyway. Yes it is just strange for two people of the same sex to get married, but love is love- I wish people could see it. Straight couples have issues getting married too.. there is a high divorce for people in the U.S. and there are so many problems with it. Here is my opinion... In my experience a gay relationship can be more committed and more genuine then straight one sometimes, as real love for us is really hard to come by. And when we commit- we COMMIT!!.. again only going off of my experience. I picture myself being in a really happy and healthy marriage as I know what to look for in a partner.. I know that if I were to commit it would be for the right reasons. Not because I'm getting to be the age. Too many of my highschool girls are married because of obligation. And not because of the partner getting pregnant. THAT clearly would not be an issue. A lot of what I am saying probably doesn't make sense to you, which is fine.. I just hope to bring at least a little understanding on the subject.
As I was saying I just got out of a year and a half relationship. That I a longer relationship than any of my straight friends. To reiterate myself, I'm not saying homosexual people are better in any way.. as no one here is perfect or better than anyone. I'm just trying to show that its not what people think. I don't really see any differences in a straight marriage or relationship than a gay one. Every relationship has problems and everyone can love. Depending on the person you are inside and the intentions of anyone.. that's what really determines your outcome whether it be a committed relationship or sleeping around. Summary: If two people love each other and want to commit to each other, what business is it of anyone else.. let them. Everyone has issues just mind your own business. But perhaps marriage isn't the real issue. The bigger issue is letting a gay couple adopt or even raise children.. issue numero 5...
"Meet my Dads!"
Obviously there are unfit parents everywhere that for some reason have children. I can't stress enough that everyone has issues and I hate that it is more acknowledged in some than in others. Why a gay couple having children is such an issue is beyond me. There are plenty of scary people out there who don't deserve their children- why are gay people the evil irresponsible ones. I really do want children. I would love a son and a daughter. The only issue I see if I were to raise children is I would spoil them. Since gay men go through such hate and cruelty.. obviously we don't want our kids to go through that so we want to show them as much love as possible. Especially my children. Boo hoo I had a rough child hood-thus I don't want my children to have one. I think what society is afraid of is that if you are raised by a gay couple you will be raised a homosexual/turn out to be gay. Simply No. Again, it is not a choice. If they are born with it, it is inevitable. But if you are straight- and your parents are gay- no matter how hard you try.. you're gonna be straight. And of course it won't be forced because being gay we know none of it is a choice. My basic thing to teach my children will be never be afraid to love someone, no matter if they are a boy or girl black white fat or thin.. love is inside, no matter what the skin! I also believe that in an open and honest house hold the children will grow up more accepting of others, more honest with people, and all in all a stronger individual.. again-my views. I sincerely hope one day someone will take a step back and think logically and see that people are people and love is love and as long as your intentions are good and have a good heart.. you can be a fit parent.
Its a Sin to Love?!
One of my biggest fears when I was coming to terms with my homosexuality was, "is god going to hate me?". I will tell you right now that my relationship with god, and my spiritual testimony is stronger than most missionaries who go on missions to please their families. Obviously my views are different than the Mormon religion.. but nevertheless I love god and he is constantly in my life. In fact the only one who has constantly been there for me through all of my trial, especially being gay.. is god. I know in my heart that he loves me and I am the way I am because I was born that way. These people who say "god hates gays".. psh that makes me laugh. God can't hate. Otherwise he wouldn't be god. He is an omnipotent being.. all loving all knowing. We are all his children... and if he were do hate someone for loving another person (same sex or otherwise) then what kind of god is that. What is more evil.. a man falling in love with another man?.. or a man murdering anther man because he is gay?... Tough one. My intentions and my heart and love are true. I know what god thinks of me. And my relationship with him, and his with me is our own business.. as goes with any gay or straight person. If people worried more about their problems and relationship with god.. I wonder what the world would be like. Those anti-gay activists sit and judge and hate us... and WE are the evil ones?... okay sure...NOT!!
In conclusion of all that I rant about, I hope to have got my point across. That these straight people who are so anti-homosexuality sit and accuse us and blame and amplify all of these faults when "normal" people and half of the accusers are guilty of the same thing. All because we love someone of the same sex.. because we find comfort in something different. For all of you, the accusers.. I say watch out. God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?
Out of the Closet.
The scariest part about being gay is telling others. I first told strangers.. people I didn't/don't know very well. Its a lot easier because you may never see them again and you don't care what they think. But eventually you can't live a lie anymore and you are forced to tell the ones you loved. Its a long scary process but I know who loves me and I mostly love myself.. so you have to realize the ones who don't stay by you weren't worth it anyway. Fortunately most of my friends are okay with it. Especially Danielle whom I love. And now I'm at the point where I don't care who knows as I am happy with who I am and if you don't like me, that's fine you have the right not to. Pretty much everyone know... except my family.. the hardest ones to tell. My family goes through enough as it is so now isn't the time to tell them.. soon though. And I know they love me and they understand so its not gonna be vicious like most families are. They won't disown me or send me to get "fixed" (which is a whole other issue). For now I'm still trying to build a life of my own with people I love still in my life and meeting wonderful new people along the way. Such as Emily (mwah mwah wink wink).
I will leave you with a great quote by Dr. Seuss
"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.." and therefore repeat..God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?...
Thank you for all your support my friends.. I hope to have made the slightest difference here.
Everything I say here today is going by what knowledge I have and my experiences in life.. as no one can speak for everyone.
Choice vs. Love
Of course I shall start by saying I myself am gay and it is NOT a choice. If you think about it logically.. who would choose to have the chance of their family disowning them? Who would choose a lifetime of ridiculing and judgment from friends and peers? Who would choose to have to fight to have your own children or marry the one you fall in love with. Who wants to work harder for everything in their life. I'll be honest.. not me. If I had the choice I would have chosen to be straight. My life would be so much easier. The home life, my relationship with my father, school, work, meeting new people, making friends, dating etc. It all of course would have been easier if I were straight. Even my future would be easier. I have to worry about finding someone to be committed to, what people are going to think about it how we're going to have kids. Since I really want to get into film acting this little detail about me can hold me back in that industry. WHY would I choose to have that extra struggle in my life with all of the other things that I have had..... chuh! I wouldn't. I don't see how that is appealing to anyone. Everything I/we have to do we have to sensor ourselves. Granted not a lot of gay men sensor themselves, which I'll address a little later. But even something as simple as going to dinner or a movie with your boyfriend or girlfriend (yes I'm addressing this for lesbians too). We can't sit next to each other in a restaurant. We can't cuddle in the theater or even hold hands walking down the street. It makes people uneasy and they shun it. That is so hard. All I've wanted is someone to love and pamper and hold hands with.. but we can only do that in a secluded environment. Well at least here in Utah. But its not just "PDA".. which to a certain degree with any orientation can be awkward and annoying. Its meeting new people, how you act in the work place what you say. When people know if you are gay they question what you do or say whenever whatever. Not everyone does mind you, but a good majority does. I just wish we could all trade places for a day.. then we would all know how each other feels. But that's with any issue this world faces.. racism, gay, nerdy, fat thin. My basic point in this matter is that it is not a choice. Whether it be genetic or something in the brain or something higher... we didn't choose it, we're born with it. It sucks but its true. I tried so hard when I was younger to be straight. I had girlfriends!!.. But at some point I had to realize that I couldn't change it and it wasn't fair to myself, nor the girls I was dating. Its like telling a straight man to one day wake up and want to be with another man. You ask a straight man to "choose" for a day to get and erection or fall in love for another guy... he couldn't do it. Now if he can't do that for a guy.. how could we for a girl. Believe me, I've tried and tried. I wanted so bad to just want to like sports and want a girlfriend and be part of the "in crowd". But as time goes on and as we grow up (I'm sure this is with any gay man) we realize that we cannot change so we must accept who we are. I think everyone should do this whether you be gay or straight or fat or thin or smart or dumb. Again, point being, accept who you know and feel you are.. you know it isn't a choice- who cares what others think. Do not be afraid to love someone, no matter who they are.. for no one can help the way they feel.
Stereotypes
Now, something that really needs to be addressed is the stereotype of homosexuals. Now stereotypes apply to everyone and are harmful no matter the issue. Now a huge stereotype of the homosexual male is a feminine, promiscuous, glittery boy who loves drinking partying and sex. I'm not sure how many people think this, but I don't blame them. A lot of the gay culture IS like that, which I HATE!! I hate it for the fact that there are many of us out there who are not like that. I myself am far from promiscuous. It took me 20 years to actually share a kiss with someone let alone the rest of my body. I am fashion conscious and I do have a unique style.. but I wouldn't consider it a "gay style". I hate the club scene and I only drink on celebrations and I shall never ever do drugs. I also would not consider myself very flamboyant. I do have my "jack" moments, but only to be funny. The real me I would hope isn't the lispy high talking wrist flicking stereotype that people label most gays with. My mannerisms and demeanor can give me away when i let it.. but only because that is the stereotype that people are familiar with. But stereotypes apply to anyone like I've said. For instance, I recently had an encounter with a gay boy, we'll call him "joe". I would never guess him to be gay, as his mannerisms fit into the "straight stereotype". The way he dressed, walked, talked, his actions.. everything fit into to straight guy mold that men seem to slip into. But indeed "joe" is gay. And the stereotypes apply to Lesbians as well. Most people think of homosexual women to be very "manly" with short hair, baggy clothes and rugged. While there are those types out there (if your happy that's cool) I know some lesbian girls who are very girly and very pretty. So to reiterate what I've said- although stereotypes apply to every culture and orientation or race, not all of us fit that and that is what everyone must realize. Not everyone has to be labeled or fit into what is expected.
Another stereotype I've heard of is that gay men turn out to be or are perverted or pedophiles. WRONG!!.. Sadly it is true in some people. But no more true is it in gay men then straight. People focus too much and build things off of the bad things they here.. there isn't enough discussion on the good qualities in life or in people.
So I don't talk forever on the stereotype issue, I'll bring conclude this section with the last stereotype that will take me into the next issue. How gay men sleep around and have no regard for themselves or others. Just sex and making out and no morals. Again, while some gay men are like that.. so are most straight men. Almost all the straight friends I have love making out and sex. They don't see it as something special. Another friend I have as I have mentioned in a previous blog- loves just making out and having sex and playing girls. That makes me so sick and angry and annoyed. Thus my next point...
Straight vs. Gay
As I stated above, gay men can be looked at as predators, promiscuous and perverted. But I know more straight men like that than gay men. Now I am not saying gay is better than straight by any means and I do not mean to compare the two as I think every culture or orientation etc. is equal with all of these accusations.. people are people and have issues. But it is more acknowledged in the gay culture when straight people are also guilty of what we are accused of. The sleeping around and using women is something I hate in the straight culture. I have known too many beautiful girls and women who have been hurt by the horny straight man, and my mother and sister are included in that statistic. Straight men do love sex. A lot of men I know don't seem to have any regard for how the woman feels (again I do know gay men like that but not as many as the straight men). I myself, and the homosexual men I know- are far from that. We all are looking for someone to commit to and love- not for a night of lust. Nice dates, like movies or dinner cuddling and talking, like a real date should be for anyone. Not having sex with several people or getting drunk at the club. Of course as I have said.. both of the types I just described apply to straight couples/people as well. To state it simply as I have.. Gay people and Straight people are actually quite parallel. Some are smutty and some are sweet.. we need to stop pinning labels and stereotypes on people as no one can fit them perfectly.
And while some folks love to accuse us of being selfish and gross, these straight boys hurt these beautiful women. And who do they then turn to?.. Us gay men. What other guy is going to listen and take care of a beautiful girl like a genuine sensitive homosexual boy who will be honest and accepting of a girl for exactly who they are. That my readers brings me to my fourth issue of the matter.
"Fag Hags" (hate the term immensely)
This term is sometimes used harshly and comedically.. whatever the intension behind the label.. I hate it. What I am led to believe this term means is a girl who only hangs out with gay men and never really dates other guys.. even if she does date straight guys she surrounds her self by homosexual men. While this ignorant term can be true.. I have girlfriends who of course date other guys but we are friends and they are accepting of gays. But for those cute girls who are these so called "fag hags".. why do you think the only men they turn to are gay?.. Because straight men hurt them, make them insecure. Or perhaps s. men make them feel inadequate. Or even skinny beautiful girls make them feel that way. And I don't want to make it seem that all "F-hags" are over weight or ugly.. in fact all of my girl friends are quite beautiful.. but half of them have been hurt. My belief is women turn to gay men because we are honest to their face and we accept them 100% as that is what we want in return. Love is a huge issue in this world especially love for ones self. And we as humans look for it in many different ways.
My best friend whom I love and we have been friends since 3rd grade, was called my hag once. I of course was quite offended. She only got that label when i came out to people that i was homosexual. When in fact she loved me no matter what even before she actually knew about me. So to whomever uses the term Fag Hag I suggest you look up the words loyalty, friendship, love, genuine, beauty in the dictionary THEN make your decision as to whom these "fag hags" are. For in fact they are the most beautiful women and funny and smart women you know.. much better then half the hussies you may sleep with. That is all.. I mustn't keep rambling.
"I now pronounce you husband and husband.."
Now... the most controversial part of Homosexuality. Gay Marriage [dum dum dum]. I obviously would love for it to be legalized. A gay man such as myself have been lucky enough to know what it is like to find true love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone. Granted I messed up and have sort of jeopardized that chance. And of course I am too young to commit to such a thing anyway- I would love that commitment in the future. To live together and raise children. I don't know what the world is so worried about anyway. Yes it is just strange for two people of the same sex to get married, but love is love- I wish people could see it. Straight couples have issues getting married too.. there is a high divorce for people in the U.S. and there are so many problems with it. Here is my opinion... In my experience a gay relationship can be more committed and more genuine then straight one sometimes, as real love for us is really hard to come by. And when we commit- we COMMIT!!.. again only going off of my experience. I picture myself being in a really happy and healthy marriage as I know what to look for in a partner.. I know that if I were to commit it would be for the right reasons. Not because I'm getting to be the age. Too many of my highschool girls are married because of obligation. And not because of the partner getting pregnant. THAT clearly would not be an issue. A lot of what I am saying probably doesn't make sense to you, which is fine.. I just hope to bring at least a little understanding on the subject.
As I was saying I just got out of a year and a half relationship. That I a longer relationship than any of my straight friends. To reiterate myself, I'm not saying homosexual people are better in any way.. as no one here is perfect or better than anyone. I'm just trying to show that its not what people think. I don't really see any differences in a straight marriage or relationship than a gay one. Every relationship has problems and everyone can love. Depending on the person you are inside and the intentions of anyone.. that's what really determines your outcome whether it be a committed relationship or sleeping around. Summary: If two people love each other and want to commit to each other, what business is it of anyone else.. let them. Everyone has issues just mind your own business. But perhaps marriage isn't the real issue. The bigger issue is letting a gay couple adopt or even raise children.. issue numero 5...
"Meet my Dads!"
Obviously there are unfit parents everywhere that for some reason have children. I can't stress enough that everyone has issues and I hate that it is more acknowledged in some than in others. Why a gay couple having children is such an issue is beyond me. There are plenty of scary people out there who don't deserve their children- why are gay people the evil irresponsible ones. I really do want children. I would love a son and a daughter. The only issue I see if I were to raise children is I would spoil them. Since gay men go through such hate and cruelty.. obviously we don't want our kids to go through that so we want to show them as much love as possible. Especially my children. Boo hoo I had a rough child hood-thus I don't want my children to have one. I think what society is afraid of is that if you are raised by a gay couple you will be raised a homosexual/turn out to be gay. Simply No. Again, it is not a choice. If they are born with it, it is inevitable. But if you are straight- and your parents are gay- no matter how hard you try.. you're gonna be straight. And of course it won't be forced because being gay we know none of it is a choice. My basic thing to teach my children will be never be afraid to love someone, no matter if they are a boy or girl black white fat or thin.. love is inside, no matter what the skin! I also believe that in an open and honest house hold the children will grow up more accepting of others, more honest with people, and all in all a stronger individual.. again-my views. I sincerely hope one day someone will take a step back and think logically and see that people are people and love is love and as long as your intentions are good and have a good heart.. you can be a fit parent.
Its a Sin to Love?!
One of my biggest fears when I was coming to terms with my homosexuality was, "is god going to hate me?". I will tell you right now that my relationship with god, and my spiritual testimony is stronger than most missionaries who go on missions to please their families. Obviously my views are different than the Mormon religion.. but nevertheless I love god and he is constantly in my life. In fact the only one who has constantly been there for me through all of my trial, especially being gay.. is god. I know in my heart that he loves me and I am the way I am because I was born that way. These people who say "god hates gays".. psh that makes me laugh. God can't hate. Otherwise he wouldn't be god. He is an omnipotent being.. all loving all knowing. We are all his children... and if he were do hate someone for loving another person (same sex or otherwise) then what kind of god is that. What is more evil.. a man falling in love with another man?.. or a man murdering anther man because he is gay?... Tough one. My intentions and my heart and love are true. I know what god thinks of me. And my relationship with him, and his with me is our own business.. as goes with any gay or straight person. If people worried more about their problems and relationship with god.. I wonder what the world would be like. Those anti-gay activists sit and judge and hate us... and WE are the evil ones?... okay sure...NOT!!
In conclusion of all that I rant about, I hope to have got my point across. That these straight people who are so anti-homosexuality sit and accuse us and blame and amplify all of these faults when "normal" people and half of the accusers are guilty of the same thing. All because we love someone of the same sex.. because we find comfort in something different. For all of you, the accusers.. I say watch out. God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?
Out of the Closet.
The scariest part about being gay is telling others. I first told strangers.. people I didn't/don't know very well. Its a lot easier because you may never see them again and you don't care what they think. But eventually you can't live a lie anymore and you are forced to tell the ones you loved. Its a long scary process but I know who loves me and I mostly love myself.. so you have to realize the ones who don't stay by you weren't worth it anyway. Fortunately most of my friends are okay with it. Especially Danielle whom I love. And now I'm at the point where I don't care who knows as I am happy with who I am and if you don't like me, that's fine you have the right not to. Pretty much everyone know... except my family.. the hardest ones to tell. My family goes through enough as it is so now isn't the time to tell them.. soon though. And I know they love me and they understand so its not gonna be vicious like most families are. They won't disown me or send me to get "fixed" (which is a whole other issue). For now I'm still trying to build a life of my own with people I love still in my life and meeting wonderful new people along the way. Such as Emily (mwah mwah wink wink).
I will leave you with a great quote by Dr. Seuss
"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.." and therefore repeat..God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?...
Thank you for all your support my friends.. I hope to have made the slightest difference here.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Jack of Hearts
Lately i have been having issues. Okay so for almost 22 years now i have been having issues. But it is only lately that i found the need to change. I'll be honest i still don't know what it is exactly i need to change about myself, but the want/need to be a better person is definately whispering inside. No, it is not the usual voices i hear (kidding).
Big surprise- i have made a few mistakes lately... big mistakes. I know everyone makes them and learns from them and life would be a bore without them really. But my mistakes piss me off/make me sad. Because what i have done is something i have always feared. Within the crazy house of my mind.. where all the chaos and commotion occurs.. somewhere along the way my emotions, mind, and body got all mixed up in an ugly tango. ugh. I shan't go into detail, but basically everything that has happened i ended up hurting myself, a stranger, and the one person i have ever loved deeply and was crazy enough to love me back. Thus the biggest fear of my life. With all of the mistakes i've already done in my life.. i never felt regret with them. I of course quickly learned from them as do we all. But this is possibly the biggest mistake of my life. Although a lot of people wouldnt consider what i did bad at all... i do. This is the only thing i have felt regret for. Yes i have learned from it as well.. its helped me to NEVER make this same mistake twice.. but it still is haunting me everyday. Eating me inside. It is mostly the losing the one i loved most part. It kills me. Especially since he is the only one that ever really loved me for exactly who i was, inside and out. Luckily i am blessed enough to still have him in my life. He has definatly helped me immensely through this difficult transition from lost and confused to lost but progressing.
I see and hear people everyday talking about their "problems". While everyone has there problems.. some are worse than others. Yes i believe that we all are given what we can handle.. and problems are problems... i guess my issue is.. don't announce them to others.. don't try to get a pitty party or whatever the hell your motive may be. As i stated before, everyone has problems so deal with your own. Okay now i'm just rambling. Long complaint short (too late) i hate people who make-up/talk about/announce their problems to the world to get attention... pathetic.
So back to trying to be a better person. I guess i just never really realised how closed off and ignorant i was until all of this happened. Losing the one thing i ever loved deeply really hit me hard and showed me reality. So what i have been trying to do is become a better person in many different aspects. One thing i need to improve on is patience. I always want results over night but of course that is impossible. I am really trying to re build trust and love with the boy i lost. He deserves the best, and i love him so dearly i want to become the best and earn the privaledge of being with him. Currently we are best friends. We still talk, we still hang out and of course we text. Its just really hard for both of us because we still love each other. And its really hard on my heart because i know the reason we are not together is because of me.. in many different ways..
Love... BAH.... why is it the hardest slash best emotion ever?! It can make a strong man weak, a small man big, also the weak man strong.. the mad woman happy.. the sad person sadder.. it can just do so much... but mostly.. it lifts you up... completes you. I'll be honest.. most people i know don't know what real love is. They know what real LUST is but not love. And i can't stand the people that sleep around and screw and kiss whomever whenever. They irritate me SO much. I know of a certain kid who does this.. no regard for the girls feelings what-so-ever. Those are the lonliest people.
Well.. now that half the people reading this gave up and got bored half way through. I'll wrap this up. Life is short.. Love is strong. We are each here to write our own stories so make them good ones. I can't express enough that life and god teaches us every day.. we just need to open our eyes and hearts and listen. God is always there to help and talk. No matter how frustrated you get or mad or no matter how many mistakes you make. God is right there always... just learn from it all. And i'm so cheesey right now i could puke.
"Be the miracle!"-Bruce Almighty
Big surprise- i have made a few mistakes lately... big mistakes. I know everyone makes them and learns from them and life would be a bore without them really. But my mistakes piss me off/make me sad. Because what i have done is something i have always feared. Within the crazy house of my mind.. where all the chaos and commotion occurs.. somewhere along the way my emotions, mind, and body got all mixed up in an ugly tango. ugh. I shan't go into detail, but basically everything that has happened i ended up hurting myself, a stranger, and the one person i have ever loved deeply and was crazy enough to love me back. Thus the biggest fear of my life. With all of the mistakes i've already done in my life.. i never felt regret with them. I of course quickly learned from them as do we all. But this is possibly the biggest mistake of my life. Although a lot of people wouldnt consider what i did bad at all... i do. This is the only thing i have felt regret for. Yes i have learned from it as well.. its helped me to NEVER make this same mistake twice.. but it still is haunting me everyday. Eating me inside. It is mostly the losing the one i loved most part. It kills me. Especially since he is the only one that ever really loved me for exactly who i was, inside and out. Luckily i am blessed enough to still have him in my life. He has definatly helped me immensely through this difficult transition from lost and confused to lost but progressing.
I see and hear people everyday talking about their "problems". While everyone has there problems.. some are worse than others. Yes i believe that we all are given what we can handle.. and problems are problems... i guess my issue is.. don't announce them to others.. don't try to get a pitty party or whatever the hell your motive may be. As i stated before, everyone has problems so deal with your own. Okay now i'm just rambling. Long complaint short (too late) i hate people who make-up/talk about/announce their problems to the world to get attention... pathetic.
So back to trying to be a better person. I guess i just never really realised how closed off and ignorant i was until all of this happened. Losing the one thing i ever loved deeply really hit me hard and showed me reality. So what i have been trying to do is become a better person in many different aspects. One thing i need to improve on is patience. I always want results over night but of course that is impossible. I am really trying to re build trust and love with the boy i lost. He deserves the best, and i love him so dearly i want to become the best and earn the privaledge of being with him. Currently we are best friends. We still talk, we still hang out and of course we text. Its just really hard for both of us because we still love each other. And its really hard on my heart because i know the reason we are not together is because of me.. in many different ways..
Love... BAH.... why is it the hardest slash best emotion ever?! It can make a strong man weak, a small man big, also the weak man strong.. the mad woman happy.. the sad person sadder.. it can just do so much... but mostly.. it lifts you up... completes you. I'll be honest.. most people i know don't know what real love is. They know what real LUST is but not love. And i can't stand the people that sleep around and screw and kiss whomever whenever. They irritate me SO much. I know of a certain kid who does this.. no regard for the girls feelings what-so-ever. Those are the lonliest people.
Well.. now that half the people reading this gave up and got bored half way through. I'll wrap this up. Life is short.. Love is strong. We are each here to write our own stories so make them good ones. I can't express enough that life and god teaches us every day.. we just need to open our eyes and hearts and listen. God is always there to help and talk. No matter how frustrated you get or mad or no matter how many mistakes you make. God is right there always... just learn from it all. And i'm so cheesey right now i could puke.
"Be the miracle!"-Bruce Almighty
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
22
ahem.. so basically for sometime now, whenever i see the number 22 constantly, it means change in my life... every time. Too many times has it happened for me to list them.. just trust me on it. Well recently i have been seeing it SO much.. and a lot has changed in my life already. But i mean i have been seeing it tons.. and even though some great change has occured.. i still see it. So is something bigger gonna change?.. Well get this... i turn 22 this year!!! I know right?.. well i think that age 22 is gonna be huge. I have a feeling this is where my future is defined... like this coming year has many changes and events and its gonna turn around. I'm not saying i'm looking for change.. in fact sometimes i fear it. But change is inevitable in everyones life.. for good reason. And i'm not saying i need a new life and i'm dissatisfyed with the one i have.. i just have that gut feeling.. and its 98% right.
So everyone.. i hope that the change is what i think it is.. if so.. i shan't forget any of you haha.. fo' real. I love you all.. and you have all been so supportive. I couldn't ask for a better life.. but that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try to earn one:o)
Live love and laugh... but mostly eat peanut butter..
So everyone.. i hope that the change is what i think it is.. if so.. i shan't forget any of you haha.. fo' real. I love you all.. and you have all been so supportive. I couldn't ask for a better life.. but that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try to earn one:o)
Live love and laugh... but mostly eat peanut butter..
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