I know I won't shut up about it. I know I keep going on and on and won't stop talking about it. Well it stops after this. I had my last realization last night and I've finally moved on.
*You guys won't let me forget will you? You don't want me to forgive myself. Well too late I already did. YES I made a mistake! I'M HUMAN!!!... I'm not stupid.. anymore. I get that it was a big mistake and that it shouldn't have happened. But guess what it did and its over and done. I have definitely learned from it. But you seem to keep making me carry this like I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm not going to. I have learned from it immensely and I know you have too. I'm moving on.
I really wanted to work through things with you. I realized my mistake and wanted so bad to show you what I learned and to earn and work towards being with you. That's what you do when you love each other. But the more I thought about THAT. And the more I saw you being happier without me and you seeming so harsh. I realized maybe you never loved me as much as either of us thought. Don't get me wrong- I know you loved me a lot, as I did/do you. But I think you were just afraid of being alone. And now that you know you aren't alone without screwed up little me you realize how much better off you actually are. You see that you were with me for so long because it was safe.
My brother had a similar situation. He and this girl have been together for almost the same amount of time we were and they are really committed and cute and they love each other. But there was a rough patch and yada yada my brother was having a hard time in life, he got drunk, and slept with another girl. He hated himself for doing it and the girl broke up with him. A couple days past, and they talked. They talked and talked and worked things out because they LOVE each other and they really wanted it to work at it. Like you always say relationships need to be worked through and there needs to be room for growth, learning and compromise!
I couldn't understand why we couldn't work through it and show each other our love more now than ever. I really wanted to do that for you; Show you how much I found I truly deeply love you. It hurt me in many ways that you didn't want to try. But now I understand. You never loved me as much as you thought or wanted. Which I really understand as well. Its sad but I think that's it.
I understand that I hurt you and something like this isn't easy to get over. But I need you to understand that this mistake doesn't define me. It makes me a better person and a better boyfriend and companion.
I know I seem like a screwed up individual and one to be shut off and never learn.. maybe because I was. But now? You have no idea. I am so different. I am better!.. Sadly you won't know that. You won't see who I've become.
I do love you with all that I am. You will always be stitched to my heart. But you know that you don't love me as you did. I appreciate everything you have done for me. And the only reason I have grown is because of you.. for you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times!!.. You are amazing and beautiful. Maybe one day in the future when we are wiser and more mature. When we are past all this and stronger people for it. Perhaps we may love each other again. I wish we could talk about everything right now.. get it all out. But I understand your feelings towards me and I'm sorry for that. Just always know I'm here and loving you.
***I've successfully rambled on yet again to someone who may never read this... sigh.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
[Everything Is Fine]
I have had a revelation I think. As if there were a sudden change of light on my life. There I was questioning everything in my life. Questioning my job, my living arrangements, my future, my family, my friends. Out of all of it I was questioning myself. I was constantly debating what kind of person I thought I was. After all of the recent events that out of no where bombarded my life, I was forced into this whirlpool of confusion. I seemed to constantly be second guessing the structure of my being. It was scary. I was always wondering if I was in fact a good person. Did people care what happened to me? Was I thought about when I wasn't there? Am I considered a good friend to people? Are others grateful they met me? None of it seemed to fit to me. I couldn't see how anyone really actually wondered what I was doing. Or thought about me and laughed and said to themselves "what a great guy.." I felt so damn alone I just wanted to run away to see if anyone at all would wonder where I went or even noticed I was missing.
With all of the questioning and second guessing, there was also the thought of "is he happy?" That I believe was actually the louder thought. I hate the image of him crying, or having harsh feelings towards me. What I want more than my own happiness is for him to be happy and live strong. I don't want HIM to second guess himself for even a second. If what I did and what happened is making myself question things and wonder.. what is it doing to him. Of course he is much stronger than I am, he always has been. I know inside that he knows who he is and he never has and never will sell himself short. But that leads back to the way I've been feeling.
I was scared that I would have to settle in life. Settle with a dead end job, with living alone. Facing the fact that I might be alone for longer than I think. I was constantly scared that I would have to settle with someone who I don't nessecarily love but they show me attention. The list would go on and on and I would just scream telling it all to shut up! I couldn't see an opening to the tunnel.. it was a loud dead end and I couldn't break through.
When all seemed hopeless and I had practically numbed myself from feeling. When I had shut out the human emotion that what I had forgotten was natural. There was a knock at my inner door. It was my best friend. The one who has always been there. The one who I always turn to for advice and guidance, and the one that seemed to be telling me "leave a message". He had returned my calls. He stayed for hours. We talked about everything. He helped me open my eyes and heart even more and calmed me down.
My revelation is this: That I AM a good person. This whole time I was in shock and disgust at the mistakes I've made and that I hurt the one I loved. That I am a selfish and empty person. But my best friend let me know otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes. The things I did were not the best, that's true. And although my intentions behind them were cloudy and unclear, they were not bad intentions they were simply just executed badly. I had to evaluate my steps.
In short I guess, what I have realized is that my heart is true. It may get confused sometimes but whose heart doesn't? That this whole time I have been beating myself up for what happened when really I needed to just learn from it. It was a lesson not a punishment. I tried really hard to be careful with my actions and tried to figure out my thoughts and emotions. It didn't do much good as I still hurt myself and the one I loved. I still can't pin point where it went horribly wrong or where I got so lost, but at least I have grown immensely from it.
I also would try my hardest not to think of what i lost. It would hurt too much. I was constantly telling myself "get over it!!". I thought i just had to move on. But now, i see i don't have to!.. I still love him. I will always love him. I don't know how he feels right now or what is going through his mind. I do know that he is so dear to me that i don't have to let go immediately, or ever for that matter. He is the one and only person, i believe, that loved me 100%- flaws and all. And i loved/love him 100% flaws and all. Although a huge beautiful chapter of my life and the story of us is over, i refuse to let it go. Maybe in the future we can again share our lives with eachother, and maybe not. I just have to accept that i can't ignore the greatness he is, the beauty we were and are, and what our lives have in store. No more crying. No more beating myself up.
The thoughts and frustrations of people not seeking me out or liking me have been silenced. They are still there of course but they are maintained. Talking to the one who has always loved me and loved talking to me showed me that again. That I am a good person. That my heart and intentions mean well. That all I want in this world is to make a difference for the better and to be remembered and thought of as a funny guy who loved and lived his life. And I will do so. For those of you who see me for that I want you to know I see you for who you really are inside too. And I love you all. I love that we can all share experiences together and we can all love and laugh and learn. I love that my craziness is looked at as a good thing, because it is:o).
When I try to talk about things such as life and passion and truth, I seem to ramble and jumble my thoughts. I don't know if this blog has made any sense but if even if it hasn't I find comfort in the fact that at least one "person", my best friend, knows who I am as much as I do if not more. I am eternally grateful for what he has done and we will always be close.
Blah blah blah blah blah... I think I need to stop before I make this anymore confusing.
... I know its said a lot and painted in numerous Mormon homes and stitched on t-shirts and hanging on doors... but Live, Laugh, Love... and learn... don't take anything for granted.
With all of the questioning and second guessing, there was also the thought of "is he happy?" That I believe was actually the louder thought. I hate the image of him crying, or having harsh feelings towards me. What I want more than my own happiness is for him to be happy and live strong. I don't want HIM to second guess himself for even a second. If what I did and what happened is making myself question things and wonder.. what is it doing to him. Of course he is much stronger than I am, he always has been. I know inside that he knows who he is and he never has and never will sell himself short. But that leads back to the way I've been feeling.
I was scared that I would have to settle in life. Settle with a dead end job, with living alone. Facing the fact that I might be alone for longer than I think. I was constantly scared that I would have to settle with someone who I don't nessecarily love but they show me attention. The list would go on and on and I would just scream telling it all to shut up! I couldn't see an opening to the tunnel.. it was a loud dead end and I couldn't break through.
When all seemed hopeless and I had practically numbed myself from feeling. When I had shut out the human emotion that what I had forgotten was natural. There was a knock at my inner door. It was my best friend. The one who has always been there. The one who I always turn to for advice and guidance, and the one that seemed to be telling me "leave a message". He had returned my calls. He stayed for hours. We talked about everything. He helped me open my eyes and heart even more and calmed me down.
My revelation is this: That I AM a good person. This whole time I was in shock and disgust at the mistakes I've made and that I hurt the one I loved. That I am a selfish and empty person. But my best friend let me know otherwise. Everyone makes mistakes. The things I did were not the best, that's true. And although my intentions behind them were cloudy and unclear, they were not bad intentions they were simply just executed badly. I had to evaluate my steps.
In short I guess, what I have realized is that my heart is true. It may get confused sometimes but whose heart doesn't? That this whole time I have been beating myself up for what happened when really I needed to just learn from it. It was a lesson not a punishment. I tried really hard to be careful with my actions and tried to figure out my thoughts and emotions. It didn't do much good as I still hurt myself and the one I loved. I still can't pin point where it went horribly wrong or where I got so lost, but at least I have grown immensely from it.
I also would try my hardest not to think of what i lost. It would hurt too much. I was constantly telling myself "get over it!!". I thought i just had to move on. But now, i see i don't have to!.. I still love him. I will always love him. I don't know how he feels right now or what is going through his mind. I do know that he is so dear to me that i don't have to let go immediately, or ever for that matter. He is the one and only person, i believe, that loved me 100%- flaws and all. And i loved/love him 100% flaws and all. Although a huge beautiful chapter of my life and the story of us is over, i refuse to let it go. Maybe in the future we can again share our lives with eachother, and maybe not. I just have to accept that i can't ignore the greatness he is, the beauty we were and are, and what our lives have in store. No more crying. No more beating myself up.
The thoughts and frustrations of people not seeking me out or liking me have been silenced. They are still there of course but they are maintained. Talking to the one who has always loved me and loved talking to me showed me that again. That I am a good person. That my heart and intentions mean well. That all I want in this world is to make a difference for the better and to be remembered and thought of as a funny guy who loved and lived his life. And I will do so. For those of you who see me for that I want you to know I see you for who you really are inside too. And I love you all. I love that we can all share experiences together and we can all love and laugh and learn. I love that my craziness is looked at as a good thing, because it is:o).
When I try to talk about things such as life and passion and truth, I seem to ramble and jumble my thoughts. I don't know if this blog has made any sense but if even if it hasn't I find comfort in the fact that at least one "person", my best friend, knows who I am as much as I do if not more. I am eternally grateful for what he has done and we will always be close.
Blah blah blah blah blah... I think I need to stop before I make this anymore confusing.
... I know its said a lot and painted in numerous Mormon homes and stitched on t-shirts and hanging on doors... but Live, Laugh, Love... and learn... don't take anything for granted.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Cubicle
This Box seems to get smaller every day. I took some of the post-its down to make it seem bigger than it is. Its funny how I'm surrounded by so many roaring people yet I'm secluded in so many ways.
The guy right across from me is loud. His attempt to hide is hair loss is almost amusing but mostly pathetic. He cracks a joke and laughs.. I just role my eyes. The Guy to the left of comb over is the loudest. Constantly speaking American Spanish and reiterating how excited he is for lunch. Which now that I think about it he has ass shakes the weak floor beneath. He isn't fat by any means. But his passion for eating has consumed his lower body to the masses.
The girl to my right only comes in at about 2PM. Sometimes I notice but mostly she is just suddenly there. I don't believe she has said a word to me the whole time we've sat next to each other. She is Quiet.. reserved. Her silence almost comes across as up tight or conceded, but its mostly focused silence.
The girl to my left is the most annoying yet incidently my favorite. We have random conversations about ignorant people, art, or maybe the way we both slack with our efforts. What's the point? They don't seem to notice me much anyway. Left girl. yeah. She likes to print off paper sculptures off of the internet and put them together at her desk. Her surroundings have become a entourage of paper figurines and trinkets. The paper horse stares at me. I would rip it up if it weren't the only thing acknowledging I'm even here. Her hollow friends are creepy at times but sadly its the only Box here that has character. Even more than my own.
My Box use to have style... originality. I use to make the best of my time in my little house in the middle of the row. But as the time goes by so does my patience. As other peoples mistakes go overlooked so do my efforts. I find myself being less enthusiastic about the things my eyes use to light up at.
The Box is suffocating me. Crushing my ambitions, my hopes, and my characteristics. The handsome boy who once seized the day and had adventures every second of the wondrous day now sits in a cage and stares at twelve inch screen that displays his attitude.
I often catch myself just staring out the giant windows wishing I were on top of the beautiful mountains that are displayed to the west. I sip my ice water and imagine it came from the springs that might run through the forests.
Random smells sometimes emerge from the corners of the 2nd floor. Smells of cinnamon, oranges, and sometimes the awkward stench of "Thieves".
I sit uneasily in my swivel chair with the broken arm as a sad thought approaches my mind. "I sit in this Box for eight hours wishing my life away only to go home and sit in yet another bigger Box." I can't decide which one makes me feel more alone.
It is 3:20 PM... I'm almost done for the day. I'm excited because its Friday, but sad because I'm afraid it will be empty. I do have options. I could find things to do and people to hang out with. But no matter how jam packed I make my Friday nights I still feel hollow.
I close out of the programs on the computer and tidy up the slab of wood I call my desk and ready myself to escape the bland grey square that sadly controls my life. The seconds seem to creep slowly by. Ticking for what seems like hours.
When its finally time to bid this town of Boxes good night. I leave with relief but with a tiny bug pinching my back. A bug that gnaws and bites telling me I'll be right back there in a matter of 72 hours. And while that thought can live there for the full two days and somewhat hours. Its not as painful as the thought that he still isn't there... and I'm alone.
The guy right across from me is loud. His attempt to hide is hair loss is almost amusing but mostly pathetic. He cracks a joke and laughs.. I just role my eyes. The Guy to the left of comb over is the loudest. Constantly speaking American Spanish and reiterating how excited he is for lunch. Which now that I think about it he has ass shakes the weak floor beneath. He isn't fat by any means. But his passion for eating has consumed his lower body to the masses.
The girl to my right only comes in at about 2PM. Sometimes I notice but mostly she is just suddenly there. I don't believe she has said a word to me the whole time we've sat next to each other. She is Quiet.. reserved. Her silence almost comes across as up tight or conceded, but its mostly focused silence.
The girl to my left is the most annoying yet incidently my favorite. We have random conversations about ignorant people, art, or maybe the way we both slack with our efforts. What's the point? They don't seem to notice me much anyway. Left girl. yeah. She likes to print off paper sculptures off of the internet and put them together at her desk. Her surroundings have become a entourage of paper figurines and trinkets. The paper horse stares at me. I would rip it up if it weren't the only thing acknowledging I'm even here. Her hollow friends are creepy at times but sadly its the only Box here that has character. Even more than my own.
My Box use to have style... originality. I use to make the best of my time in my little house in the middle of the row. But as the time goes by so does my patience. As other peoples mistakes go overlooked so do my efforts. I find myself being less enthusiastic about the things my eyes use to light up at.
The Box is suffocating me. Crushing my ambitions, my hopes, and my characteristics. The handsome boy who once seized the day and had adventures every second of the wondrous day now sits in a cage and stares at twelve inch screen that displays his attitude.
I often catch myself just staring out the giant windows wishing I were on top of the beautiful mountains that are displayed to the west. I sip my ice water and imagine it came from the springs that might run through the forests.
Random smells sometimes emerge from the corners of the 2nd floor. Smells of cinnamon, oranges, and sometimes the awkward stench of "Thieves".
I sit uneasily in my swivel chair with the broken arm as a sad thought approaches my mind. "I sit in this Box for eight hours wishing my life away only to go home and sit in yet another bigger Box." I can't decide which one makes me feel more alone.
It is 3:20 PM... I'm almost done for the day. I'm excited because its Friday, but sad because I'm afraid it will be empty. I do have options. I could find things to do and people to hang out with. But no matter how jam packed I make my Friday nights I still feel hollow.
I close out of the programs on the computer and tidy up the slab of wood I call my desk and ready myself to escape the bland grey square that sadly controls my life. The seconds seem to creep slowly by. Ticking for what seems like hours.
When its finally time to bid this town of Boxes good night. I leave with relief but with a tiny bug pinching my back. A bug that gnaws and bites telling me I'll be right back there in a matter of 72 hours. And while that thought can live there for the full two days and somewhat hours. Its not as painful as the thought that he still isn't there... and I'm alone.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Solitude
Its not getting any easier. I keep pretending to be okay.. that I'm improving. But every time I'm alone my mind races and gets stuck in the place where I wait for him to show up at my door. All I can see is his face. I can still smell him. Its silly, I speak as if he has died. I guess in a way he has. He has erased himself from my life. All that remains are pictures, a few delicate articles of clothing and Samson haunting my dreams.
Everything is cloudy and muffled. Peoples voices, street sounds.. even music. Its all overpowered by my thoughts. It feels as if some of my organs are missing. I'm not whole. I never thought it would be so hard to let go of someone.. to just cut them out and not talk to them. People always come and go in my life. And while they all change my life and I love them all. Never has it been this hard to let go. I have a constant feeling of having to throw up. Hollowness.
With each new encounter I have.. I realize how unattractive and unappealing I am. There are times when I think I'm decent.. perhaps a good catch. But after thinking those things either a mirror or a situations will smash those hopeful thoughts. I was really lucky that someone loved everything about me... why did that have to leave?
My life is in a huge transition. Its actually quite inconvenient. I feel like I'm doing nothing but failing. So many things are going on that are just piling up. I need to get out of here. If I had the money I would move far away. Either L.A. or New York. I just need to start over... brand new in everything.
Everything is cloudy and muffled. Peoples voices, street sounds.. even music. Its all overpowered by my thoughts. It feels as if some of my organs are missing. I'm not whole. I never thought it would be so hard to let go of someone.. to just cut them out and not talk to them. People always come and go in my life. And while they all change my life and I love them all. Never has it been this hard to let go. I have a constant feeling of having to throw up. Hollowness.
With each new encounter I have.. I realize how unattractive and unappealing I am. There are times when I think I'm decent.. perhaps a good catch. But after thinking those things either a mirror or a situations will smash those hopeful thoughts. I was really lucky that someone loved everything about me... why did that have to leave?
My life is in a huge transition. Its actually quite inconvenient. I feel like I'm doing nothing but failing. So many things are going on that are just piling up. I need to get out of here. If I had the money I would move far away. Either L.A. or New York. I just need to start over... brand new in everything.
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