Solitude

Its not getting any easier. I keep pretending to be okay.. that I'm improving. But every time I'm alone my mind races and gets stuck in the place where I wait for him to show up at my door. All I can see is his face. I can still smell him. Its silly, I speak as if he has died. I guess in a way he has. He has erased himself from my life. All that remains are pictures, a few delicate articles of clothing and Samson haunting my dreams.
Everything is cloudy and muffled. Peoples voices, street sounds.. even music. Its all overpowered by my thoughts. It feels as if some of my organs are missing. I'm not whole. I never thought it would be so hard to let go of someone.. to just cut them out and not talk to them. People always come and go in my life. And while they all change my life and I love them all. Never has it been this hard to let go. I have a constant feeling of having to throw up. Hollowness.
With each new encounter I have.. I realize how unattractive and unappealing I am. There are times when I think I'm decent.. perhaps a good catch. But after thinking those things either a mirror or a situations will smash those hopeful thoughts. I was really lucky that someone loved everything about me... why did that have to leave?
My life is in a huge transition. Its actually quite inconvenient. I feel like I'm doing nothing but failing. So many things are going on that are just piling up. I need to get out of here. If I had the money I would move far away. Either L.A. or New York. I just need to start over... brand new in everything.