I have recently come out of a really beautiful and committed relationship. We were together for a year and 8 months. As I think I have stated before it kind of went downhill because of me. I sort of broke it in November, not knowing really what i was doing and not knowing that i was breaking something that may never be mended.
The part that kills me the most is that i am the reason its over. I am the one that has caused the most pain. Not intentionally of course. I hate to think that i hurt the one person who was ever crazy enough to love me for who i am. That i made him cry.. that i broke one of the most valuable things..... trust. IT KILLS ME!!!.. I don't understand why i had to be so naive and down right stupid. If i didn't know what regret felt like before i do now.. and i may for the rest of my life.
This boy is amazing. It just baffles my mind to think i ever wanted to date anyone else. STUPID!! If there is any good that came out of all this ugly and sadness, its me finally realising how beautiful and perfect and AMAZING he is. I am definitely lucky just to know him. I can't even express in words.
I actually still want to be with him. His name is stitched to my heart... forever. But him being the best, he deserves the best. And i am clearly not the best for anyone. I am not even the best for myself. It really hurts my soul to say that.. but its true. All i want is his happiness and i want him to find someone who will treat him like the gold he is. I want more then anything in this world to be that person right now- but great mistakes come with great consequences. Its ugly and hard but that's life.
He told me last night not to call or text him. At that point my heart officially shattered. This whole time it had been cracking and chipping.. but i guess he really realised how bad i was in his life and had to cut me out completely. OUCH!! And if you love someone you have to let them go. I really just wanted to drive to his house and beg and cry and tell him it'll be okay we can work it out...... but i can't hold him back anymore. Its going to be so damn hard to let him go. All i ever want is for him to be next to me again. God blessed me so much by giving him to me.. and even though we are apart.. I'll carry everything he taught me in my mind and heart. He changed my life for the better. And i hope.. in the slightest bit.. that i changed him for the better. I hope that one day he'll think of me and smile instead of think of me and cry.
I have never been more sincere in wanting someone else to find true happiness. It just kills me that i couldn't give it to him. I really was trying to fix things with him and prove to him that i won't make the same mistakes again. But i guess it wasn't hard enough. Honesty is the best thing to keep in your life.. it can save a lot of people, especially yourself, a lot of hurt. I am going to be 100% honest from now on. I have been since a certain night when i told this boy everything. There is no way right now that he'll ever believe me or know that i am being honest... but i am. Like i said.. i broke his fragile trust and its not easy to mend.
I see these straight couples and young people playing these games and taking love for granted and just shake my head. If they only knew what real love was. If they only knew how important every ones feelings are. And i don't think they realize how easy they have it. Yes finding love is hard for everyone... but there are those where it falls into their laps and their biggest worry is which girl to choose... or which guy to choose. For me?... its facing the fact that i could spend the rest of my life alone. I don't think I'll ever find someone like i had and i never want to. He'll never know how much i care and how much i really love him... no one will. And to be honest i would wait forever for him.
I am really lucky to have met the friends and have the friends i have. As i don't know what i would even look like right now with out even a little bit of company. Nothing seems important anymore. My life seems very dim without this beautiful boy. But my friends help me laugh when i cry. They help my stand up when I'm weak. That shows that God loves me. Although possibly the best chapter of my life is now over... god continues to give me more chapters and experiences. Things may get scary and sad and dark.. but the story continues. We all have to learn from our mistakes and move on. That is life... learning.
My birthday is in 4 days.. the 31st. I am scared. I hate my birthday anyway, but now that i am alone again.. its going to be really rough. And truly all i want for my birthday is for this beautiful extraordinary boy to find happiness. To be able to forgive me and go far in life. I know he will as he is the strongest person in know and i know that his dreams will come true. And if my birthday wish for his happiness comes true then i will have comfort. I hope that i can drown myself with friends on this day- as that's the only way i won't be crying the whole time.. so i hope that i can get them all together for a bunch of fun. I of course just wish that boy could be there.
I wouldn't wish heart ache on my worst enemy. As it can mess with your whole self. Love is the best gift in the bigger gift of life and i hope that people realise this and don't take it for granted. Don't take any of gods gifts for granted... for you don't want to experience them being ripped away.
To my friends.. thank you for your support and i hope you will be there for me still as the next year is going to be rough.
And to that amazing boy who anyone to know you is blessed... i love you forever. Your name is stitched to my heart for eternity and i hope to have you in my life in the future. Never forget how great you are and always follow your dreams. You deserve the best and i hope you find it. Thank you for everything puppy. You've changed my life for the better.
-Gracias a la Vida... i got to know you.
1 comment:
Oh AJ I dunno if you even remember me but I totally feel and appreciate this blog. I just found your blog and I really feel it.
+bry
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