Last time...

I know I won't shut up about it. I know I keep going on and on and won't stop talking about it. Well it stops after this. I had my last realization last night and I've finally moved on.
*You guys won't let me forget will you? You don't want me to forgive myself. Well too late I already did. YES I made a mistake! I'M HUMAN!!!... I'm not stupid.. anymore. I get that it was a big mistake and that it shouldn't have happened. But guess what it did and its over and done. I have definitely learned from it. But you seem to keep making me carry this like I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm not going to. I have learned from it immensely and I know you have too. I'm moving on.
I really wanted to work through things with you. I realized my mistake and wanted so bad to show you what I learned and to earn and work towards being with you. That's what you do when you love each other. But the more I thought about THAT. And the more I saw you being happier without me and you seeming so harsh. I realized maybe you never loved me as much as either of us thought. Don't get me wrong- I know you loved me a lot, as I did/do you. But I think you were just afraid of being alone. And now that you know you aren't alone without screwed up little me you realize how much better off you actually are. You see that you were with me for so long because it was safe.
My brother had a similar situation. He and this girl have been together for almost the same amount of time we were and they are really committed and cute and they love each other. But there was a rough patch and yada yada my brother was having a hard time in life, he got drunk, and slept with another girl. He hated himself for doing it and the girl broke up with him. A couple days past, and they talked. They talked and talked and worked things out because they LOVE each other and they really wanted it to work at it. Like you always say relationships need to be worked through and there needs to be room for growth, learning and compromise!
I couldn't understand why we couldn't work through it and show each other our love more now than ever. I really wanted to do that for you; Show you how much I found I truly deeply love you. It hurt me in many ways that you didn't want to try. But now I understand. You never loved me as much as you thought or wanted. Which I really understand as well. Its sad but I think that's it.
I understand that I hurt you and something like this isn't easy to get over. But I need you to understand that this mistake doesn't define me. It makes me a better person and a better boyfriend and companion.
I know I seem like a screwed up individual and one to be shut off and never learn.. maybe because I was. But now? You have no idea. I am so different. I am better!.. Sadly you won't know that. You won't see who I've become.
I do love you with all that I am. You will always be stitched to my heart. But you know that you don't love me as you did. I appreciate everything you have done for me. And the only reason I have grown is because of you.. for you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times!!.. You are amazing and beautiful. Maybe one day in the future when we are wiser and more mature. When we are past all this and stronger people for it. Perhaps we may love each other again. I wish we could talk about everything right now.. get it all out. But I understand your feelings towards me and I'm sorry for that. Just always know I'm here and loving you.
***I've successfully rambled on yet again to someone who may never read this... sigh.