Jack of Hearts

Lately i have been having issues. Okay so for almost 22 years now i have been having issues. But it is only lately that i found the need to change. I'll be honest i still don't know what it is exactly i need to change about myself, but the want/need to be a better person is definately whispering inside. No, it is not the usual voices i hear (kidding).
Big surprise- i have made a few mistakes lately... big mistakes. I know everyone makes them and learns from them and life would be a bore without them really. But my mistakes piss me off/make me sad. Because what i have done is something i have always feared. Within the crazy house of my mind.. where all the chaos and commotion occurs.. somewhere along the way my emotions, mind, and body got all mixed up in an ugly tango. ugh. I shan't go into detail, but basically everything that has happened i ended up hurting myself, a stranger, and the one person i have ever loved deeply and was crazy enough to love me back. Thus the biggest fear of my life. With all of the mistakes i've already done in my life.. i never felt regret with them. I of course quickly learned from them as do we all. But this is possibly the biggest mistake of my life. Although a lot of people wouldnt consider what i did bad at all... i do. This is the only thing i have felt regret for. Yes i have learned from it as well.. its helped me to NEVER make this same mistake twice.. but it still is haunting me everyday. Eating me inside. It is mostly the losing the one i loved most part. It kills me. Especially since he is the only one that ever really loved me for exactly who i was, inside and out. Luckily i am blessed enough to still have him in my life. He has definatly helped me immensely through this difficult transition from lost and confused to lost but progressing.
I see and hear people everyday talking about their "problems". While everyone has there problems.. some are worse than others. Yes i believe that we all are given what we can handle.. and problems are problems... i guess my issue is.. don't announce them to others.. don't try to get a pitty party or whatever the hell your motive may be. As i stated before, everyone has problems so deal with your own. Okay now i'm just rambling. Long complaint short (too late) i hate people who make-up/talk about/announce their problems to the world to get attention... pathetic.
So back to trying to be a better person. I guess i just never really realised how closed off and ignorant i was until all of this happened. Losing the one thing i ever loved deeply really hit me hard and showed me reality. So what i have been trying to do is become a better person in many different aspects. One thing i need to improve on is patience. I always want results over night but of course that is impossible. I am really trying to re build trust and love with the boy i lost. He deserves the best, and i love him so dearly i want to become the best and earn the privaledge of being with him. Currently we are best friends. We still talk, we still hang out and of course we text. Its just really hard for both of us because we still love each other. And its really hard on my heart because i know the reason we are not together is because of me.. in many different ways..
Love... BAH.... why is it the hardest slash best emotion ever?! It can make a strong man weak, a small man big, also the weak man strong.. the mad woman happy.. the sad person sadder.. it can just do so much... but mostly.. it lifts you up... completes you. I'll be honest.. most people i know don't know what real love is. They know what real LUST is but not love. And i can't stand the people that sleep around and screw and kiss whomever whenever. They irritate me SO much. I know of a certain kid who does this.. no regard for the girls feelings what-so-ever. Those are the lonliest people.
Well.. now that half the people reading this gave up and got bored half way through. I'll wrap this up. Life is short.. Love is strong. We are each here to write our own stories so make them good ones. I can't express enough that life and god teaches us every day.. we just need to open our eyes and hearts and listen. God is always there to help and talk. No matter how frustrated you get or mad or no matter how many mistakes you make. God is right there always... just learn from it all. And i'm so cheesey right now i could puke.
"Be the miracle!"-Bruce Almighty