Its not a choice.. its Love

Today's issue I would like to discuss is the endless controversy of homosexuality. Yes, it is true that it is a little more discussed and accepted then it has been in the past, but its still a big issue and there is not enough discussion about it. I think there just needs to be more awareness, more knowledge. If people understood it a little more this world might be a little better.
Everything I say here today is going by what knowledge I have and my experiences in life.. as no one can speak for everyone.

Choice vs. Love
Of course I shall start by saying I myself am gay and it is NOT a choice. If you think about it logically.. who would choose to have the chance of their family disowning them? Who would choose a lifetime of ridiculing and judgment from friends and peers? Who would choose to have to fight to have your own children or marry the one you fall in love with. Who wants to work harder for everything in their life. I'll be honest.. not me. If I had the choice I would have chosen to be straight. My life would be so much easier. The home life, my relationship with my father, school, work, meeting new people, making friends, dating etc. It all of course would have been easier if I were straight. Even my future would be easier. I have to worry about finding someone to be committed to, what people are going to think about it how we're going to have kids. Since I really want to get into film acting this little detail about me can hold me back in that industry. WHY would I choose to have that extra struggle in my life with all of the other things that I have had..... chuh! I wouldn't. I don't see how that is appealing to anyone. Everything I/we have to do we have to sensor ourselves. Granted not a lot of gay men sensor themselves, which I'll address a little later. But even something as simple as going to dinner or a movie with your boyfriend or girlfriend (yes I'm addressing this for lesbians too). We can't sit next to each other in a restaurant. We can't cuddle in the theater or even hold hands walking down the street. It makes people uneasy and they shun it. That is so hard. All I've wanted is someone to love and pamper and hold hands with.. but we can only do that in a secluded environment. Well at least here in Utah. But its not just "PDA".. which to a certain degree with any orientation can be awkward and annoying. Its meeting new people, how you act in the work place what you say. When people know if you are gay they question what you do or say whenever whatever. Not everyone does mind you, but a good majority does. I just wish we could all trade places for a day.. then we would all know how each other feels. But that's with any issue this world faces.. racism, gay, nerdy, fat thin. My basic point in this matter is that it is not a choice. Whether it be genetic or something in the brain or something higher... we didn't choose it, we're born with it. It sucks but its true. I tried so hard when I was younger to be straight. I had girlfriends!!.. But at some point I had to realize that I couldn't change it and it wasn't fair to myself, nor the girls I was dating. Its like telling a straight man to one day wake up and want to be with another man. You ask a straight man to "choose" for a day to get and erection or fall in love for another guy... he couldn't do it. Now if he can't do that for a guy.. how could we for a girl. Believe me, I've tried and tried. I wanted so bad to just want to like sports and want a girlfriend and be part of the "in crowd". But as time goes on and as we grow up (I'm sure this is with any gay man) we realize that we cannot change so we must accept who we are. I think everyone should do this whether you be gay or straight or fat or thin or smart or dumb. Again, point being, accept who you know and feel you are.. you know it isn't a choice- who cares what others think. Do not be afraid to love someone, no matter who they are.. for no one can help the way they feel.

Stereotypes
Now, something that really needs to be addressed is the stereotype of homosexuals. Now stereotypes apply to everyone and are harmful no matter the issue. Now a huge stereotype of the homosexual male is a feminine, promiscuous, glittery boy who loves drinking partying and sex. I'm not sure how many people think this, but I don't blame them. A lot of the gay culture IS like that, which I HATE!! I hate it for the fact that there are many of us out there who are not like that. I myself am far from promiscuous. It took me 20 years to actually share a kiss with someone let alone the rest of my body. I am fashion conscious and I do have a unique style.. but I wouldn't consider it a "gay style". I hate the club scene and I only drink on celebrations and I shall never ever do drugs. I also would not consider myself very flamboyant. I do have my "jack" moments, but only to be funny. The real me I would hope isn't the lispy high talking wrist flicking stereotype that people label most gays with. My mannerisms and demeanor can give me away when i let it.. but only because that is the stereotype that people are familiar with. But stereotypes apply to anyone like I've said. For instance, I recently had an encounter with a gay boy, we'll call him "joe". I would never guess him to be gay, as his mannerisms fit into the "straight stereotype". The way he dressed, walked, talked, his actions.. everything fit into to straight guy mold that men seem to slip into. But indeed "joe" is gay. And the stereotypes apply to Lesbians as well. Most people think of homosexual women to be very "manly" with short hair, baggy clothes and rugged. While there are those types out there (if your happy that's cool) I know some lesbian girls who are very girly and very pretty. So to reiterate what I've said- although stereotypes apply to every culture and orientation or race, not all of us fit that and that is what everyone must realize. Not everyone has to be labeled or fit into what is expected.
Another stereotype I've heard of is that gay men turn out to be or are perverted or pedophiles. WRONG!!.. Sadly it is true in some people. But no more true is it in gay men then straight. People focus too much and build things off of the bad things they here.. there isn't enough discussion on the good qualities in life or in people.
So I don't talk forever on the stereotype issue, I'll bring conclude this section with the last stereotype that will take me into the next issue. How gay men sleep around and have no regard for themselves or others. Just sex and making out and no morals. Again, while some gay men are like that.. so are most straight men. Almost all the straight friends I have love making out and sex. They don't see it as something special. Another friend I have as I have mentioned in a previous blog- loves just making out and having sex and playing girls. That makes me so sick and angry and annoyed. Thus my next point...

Straight vs. Gay
As I stated above, gay men can be looked at as predators, promiscuous and perverted. But I know more straight men like that than gay men. Now I am not saying gay is better than straight by any means and I do not mean to compare the two as I think every culture or orientation etc. is equal with all of these accusations.. people are people and have issues. But it is more acknowledged in the gay culture when straight people are also guilty of what we are accused of. The sleeping around and using women is something I hate in the straight culture. I have known too many beautiful girls and women who have been hurt by the horny straight man, and my mother and sister are included in that statistic. Straight men do love sex. A lot of men I know don't seem to have any regard for how the woman feels (again I do know gay men like that but not as many as the straight men). I myself, and the homosexual men I know- are far from that. We all are looking for someone to commit to and love- not for a night of lust. Nice dates, like movies or dinner cuddling and talking, like a real date should be for anyone. Not having sex with several people or getting drunk at the club. Of course as I have said.. both of the types I just described apply to straight couples/people as well. To state it simply as I have.. Gay people and Straight people are actually quite parallel. Some are smutty and some are sweet.. we need to stop pinning labels and stereotypes on people as no one can fit them perfectly.
And while some folks love to accuse us of being selfish and gross, these straight boys hurt these beautiful women. And who do they then turn to?.. Us gay men. What other guy is going to listen and take care of a beautiful girl like a genuine sensitive homosexual boy who will be honest and accepting of a girl for exactly who they are. That my readers brings me to my fourth issue of the matter.

"Fag Hags" (hate the term immensely)
This term is sometimes used harshly and comedically.. whatever the intension behind the label.. I hate it. What I am led to believe this term means is a girl who only hangs out with gay men and never really dates other guys.. even if she does date straight guys she surrounds her self by homosexual men. While this ignorant term can be true.. I have girlfriends who of course date other guys but we are friends and they are accepting of gays. But for those cute girls who are these so called "fag hags".. why do you think the only men they turn to are gay?.. Because straight men hurt them, make them insecure. Or perhaps s. men make them feel inadequate. Or even skinny beautiful girls make them feel that way. And I don't want to make it seem that all "F-hags" are over weight or ugly.. in fact all of my girl friends are quite beautiful.. but half of them have been hurt. My belief is women turn to gay men because we are honest to their face and we accept them 100% as that is what we want in return. Love is a huge issue in this world especially love for ones self. And we as humans look for it in many different ways.
My best friend whom I love and we have been friends since 3rd grade, was called my hag once. I of course was quite offended. She only got that label when i came out to people that i was homosexual. When in fact she loved me no matter what even before she actually knew about me. So to whomever uses the term Fag Hag I suggest you look up the words loyalty, friendship, love, genuine, beauty in the dictionary THEN make your decision as to whom these "fag hags" are. For in fact they are the most beautiful women and funny and smart women you know.. much better then half the hussies you may sleep with. That is all.. I mustn't keep rambling.

"I now pronounce you husband and husband.."
Now... the most controversial part of Homosexuality. Gay Marriage [dum dum dum]. I obviously would love for it to be legalized. A gay man such as myself have been lucky enough to know what it is like to find true love and want to spend the rest of my life with someone. Granted I messed up and have sort of jeopardized that chance. And of course I am too young to commit to such a thing anyway- I would love that commitment in the future. To live together and raise children. I don't know what the world is so worried about anyway. Yes it is just strange for two people of the same sex to get married, but love is love- I wish people could see it. Straight couples have issues getting married too.. there is a high divorce for people in the U.S. and there are so many problems with it. Here is my opinion... In my experience a gay relationship can be more committed and more genuine then straight one sometimes, as real love for us is really hard to come by. And when we commit- we COMMIT!!.. again only going off of my experience. I picture myself being in a really happy and healthy marriage as I know what to look for in a partner.. I know that if I were to commit it would be for the right reasons. Not because I'm getting to be the age. Too many of my highschool girls are married because of obligation. And not because of the partner getting pregnant. THAT clearly would not be an issue. A lot of what I am saying probably doesn't make sense to you, which is fine.. I just hope to bring at least a little understanding on the subject.
As I was saying I just got out of a year and a half relationship. That I a longer relationship than any of my straight friends. To reiterate myself, I'm not saying homosexual people are better in any way.. as no one here is perfect or better than anyone. I'm just trying to show that its not what people think. I don't really see any differences in a straight marriage or relationship than a gay one. Every relationship has problems and everyone can love. Depending on the person you are inside and the intentions of anyone.. that's what really determines your outcome whether it be a committed relationship or sleeping around. Summary: If two people love each other and want to commit to each other, what business is it of anyone else.. let them. Everyone has issues just mind your own business. But perhaps marriage isn't the real issue. The bigger issue is letting a gay couple adopt or even raise children.. issue numero 5...

"Meet my Dads!"
Obviously there are unfit parents everywhere that for some reason have children. I can't stress enough that everyone has issues and I hate that it is more acknowledged in some than in others. Why a gay couple having children is such an issue is beyond me. There are plenty of scary people out there who don't deserve their children- why are gay people the evil irresponsible ones. I really do want children. I would love a son and a daughter. The only issue I see if I were to raise children is I would spoil them. Since gay men go through such hate and cruelty.. obviously we don't want our kids to go through that so we want to show them as much love as possible. Especially my children. Boo hoo I had a rough child hood-thus I don't want my children to have one. I think what society is afraid of is that if you are raised by a gay couple you will be raised a homosexual/turn out to be gay. Simply No. Again, it is not a choice. If they are born with it, it is inevitable. But if you are straight- and your parents are gay- no matter how hard you try.. you're gonna be straight. And of course it won't be forced because being gay we know none of it is a choice. My basic thing to teach my children will be never be afraid to love someone, no matter if they are a boy or girl black white fat or thin.. love is inside, no matter what the skin! I also believe that in an open and honest house hold the children will grow up more accepting of others, more honest with people, and all in all a stronger individual.. again-my views. I sincerely hope one day someone will take a step back and think logically and see that people are people and love is love and as long as your intentions are good and have a good heart.. you can be a fit parent.

Its a Sin to Love?!
One of my biggest fears when I was coming to terms with my homosexuality was, "is god going to hate me?". I will tell you right now that my relationship with god, and my spiritual testimony is stronger than most missionaries who go on missions to please their families. Obviously my views are different than the Mormon religion.. but nevertheless I love god and he is constantly in my life. In fact the only one who has constantly been there for me through all of my trial, especially being gay.. is god. I know in my heart that he loves me and I am the way I am because I was born that way. These people who say "god hates gays".. psh that makes me laugh. God can't hate. Otherwise he wouldn't be god. He is an omnipotent being.. all loving all knowing. We are all his children... and if he were do hate someone for loving another person (same sex or otherwise) then what kind of god is that. What is more evil.. a man falling in love with another man?.. or a man murdering anther man because he is gay?... Tough one. My intentions and my heart and love are true. I know what god thinks of me. And my relationship with him, and his with me is our own business.. as goes with any gay or straight person. If people worried more about their problems and relationship with god.. I wonder what the world would be like. Those anti-gay activists sit and judge and hate us... and WE are the evil ones?... okay sure...NOT!!
In conclusion of all that I rant about, I hope to have got my point across. That these straight people who are so anti-homosexuality sit and accuse us and blame and amplify all of these faults when "normal" people and half of the accusers are guilty of the same thing. All because we love someone of the same sex.. because we find comfort in something different. For all of you, the accusers.. I say watch out. God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?

Out of the Closet.
The scariest part about being gay is telling others. I first told strangers.. people I didn't/don't know very well. Its a lot easier because you may never see them again and you don't care what they think. But eventually you can't live a lie anymore and you are forced to tell the ones you loved. Its a long scary process but I know who loves me and I mostly love myself.. so you have to realize the ones who don't stay by you weren't worth it anyway. Fortunately most of my friends are okay with it. Especially Danielle whom I love. And now I'm at the point where I don't care who knows as I am happy with who I am and if you don't like me, that's fine you have the right not to. Pretty much everyone know... except my family.. the hardest ones to tell. My family goes through enough as it is so now isn't the time to tell them.. soon though. And I know they love me and they understand so its not gonna be vicious like most families are. They won't disown me or send me to get "fixed" (which is a whole other issue). For now I'm still trying to build a life of my own with people I love still in my life and meeting wonderful new people along the way. Such as Emily (mwah mwah wink wink).
I will leave you with a great quote by Dr. Seuss
"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.." and therefore repeat..God knows our intentions and he knows yours.. which one scares you the most?...
Thank you for all your support my friends.. I hope to have made the slightest difference here.