cutting away my past

So. Look at me. I finally went out and got a good computer and starting back into my blog. I'm excited.
And being so excited i'm going to dive right in...
A TON of things have happened already this year. Its only half over... slash ALREADY half over.
I can't even begin to tell you everything that has happened or what i have felt. But i can tell you what is going on now.
I feel very stuck. Lost. Like i'm staring at a blank canvas waiting to paint a masterpiece. But all i'm doing is staring at it. I can't find my paint.. or my brushes. All i have is this beautiful bright. white canvas just waiting. My struggle is finding the materials to create such a painting.
Also, i feel like a piece of me is wondering somewhere, aimlessly. I don't know what is missing but i really don't feel 100% complete. I can't identify if its someONE or someTHING. Whatever this missing piece is, FIND ME!!!
Speaking of finding someONE, why is it so hard? If i were a "normal" slutty homo i wouldn't have trouble finding meaningless boyfriends to doodle and call it good. But since i am a human i need to find someone to go on adventures with me. Fly with me. Paint, write, laugh, eat taco amigo with. Why Taco Amigo? WHY NOT?!
I just want a decent guy who will sleep with me (literally sleep) and protect me at night... and vise versa. Someone who will make my mom laugh as much as he makes me laugh. Who will call my me just to say he saw this lady in the mall who is just like someone we know...
and he'll get butterflies everytime i text him. He'll randomly buy me my favorite crackers cuz he knows i like them and he knew i'd appreciate it.
someone who will call me crying cuz he'll know that i'll leave and come get him... and vise versa.. (no clue what the spelling is on that btw).
He'll think my unexplainable neverland adventures are adorable although he may not always see what i do.
I could go on for hundreds of pages.. but i'll refrain.. you get the idea.
Where is that guy who will kiss me... kiss me cuz the butterflies scream at him to do it.. and then they get bigger when he does.
WHERE ARE YOU?! So far i've only met the opposite of you. Granted i've only been looking for a couple months.. even so not really LOOKING.. just waiting haha. Anyway i need a real guy who loves himself and me. AND... viseversa


One last thing. I sometimes go through this phase where i'll need a random quick change of pace to keep me sane and to dicipline my fear of change itself. Its usually a job i change or something to do with my appearance. My point? I am thinking about cutting my long hair to throw me into a new groove. Also get rid of my "past" hair. It kinda explains itself.

Well. There is change around everycorner and opportunities in every window. I just need to buck up and attack it all with full force... WHO'S WITH ME?!!